Made in the 70s

Q: How can you tell if a porno was made in the 70s?

A: Even the guys' penises have sideburns.

AM/FM

A sexy lady meet a handsome young man in a pub, after some drinks and a little tipsy the sexy lady said to the young man, "My mouth is like a loud speaker, my two breasts are for tuning, left one is for tuning the channel AM or FM and my right breast is for tuning bass and treble depending which mode you want."

The young man was aroused by the young lady expression, and said to the lady, "I don't believe it."

Young lady said, "You can try it if you want".

Young man said, "Ok come to my hotel room and prove it to me."

They agreed and both holding hands and headed for the hotel room. Upon entering the room the young lady undressed herself and soon the young man start feeling the left nipple for AM/FM fine-tuning. After a while nothing happen. He changed to the right nipple and start rubbing with greater pressure.

Read more »

Getting Old

How do you know your wife is getting old?

When you say to her, "Let's go upstairs and have sex" and she says "I can't do both."

Either Screw or Swim

Mike walks into the bar and sees Pat sitting at the end of the bar with a big smile on his face. Mike says, "Pat what are you so happy about?"

"Well Mike i gotta tell ya... Yesterday I was out waxing my boat and a redhead came up to me boobs out to here, Mike...boobs out to here! She says, 'Can I have a ride in your boat?' I said, 'Sure you can have a ride in my boat!' So I took her way out Mike. I turned off the key and said, 'It's either screw or swim!' She couldn't swim Mike, she couldn't swim!"

The next day Mike walks into the bar and sees Pat siting at tne end of the bar with a even bigger smile on his face. Mike says, "Well what are you so happy about today Pat?"

Read more »

Mother-in-law

I was happy. My girlfriend and I were dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way; my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream!

There was only one thing bothering me, quite much indeed, and that was my mother-in-law to be. She was a career woman, smart, but most of all beautiful and sexy, who sometimes flirted me, which made me feel uncomfortable.

One day she called me and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. So I went. She was alone, and when I arrived, she whispered to me, that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. So before I got married and committed my life to her daughter, she wanted to make love to me just once.
Read more »

Two Deaf People Get Married

Two deaf people get married. During the first week of marriage, they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turn off the lights.

After several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife proposes a solution. "Honey," she signs, "Why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast one time."
Read more »

Infrequently

An elderly couple had been dating for some time. Finally, they decided it was time for marriage. Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on.

Finally the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship. "How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather trustingly.

"Well," she says, responding carefully, "I'd have to say I would like it infrequently."

Read more »

An Elderly Man Goes into a Brothel

An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is.

"I'm 90 years old," he says.

"90!" replies the woman. "Don't you realize you've had it?"

Read more »

Three Times a Week

70 year-old Mrs Potts went to the doctor for her annual check up. He told her she needed more activity and recommended sex three times a week. She said to the doctor, "Please, tell my husband." The doctor went out to the waiting room and told Mr Potts that his wife needed to have sex three times a week.

The eighty-year-old husband replied, "Which days?"

"How about Monday, Wednesday, and Friday?"

Read more »

Hickey

A married man decided to work late to be with his sexy secretary, so he called his wife to make up an excuse.

After work he invited his secretary to dinner. It soon became obvious that he was going to get lucky, so the two went back to her apartment and had great sex for two hours.

Afterward the fellow went to the bathroom to straighten up for the trip home and noticed a huge hickey on his neck. He panicked, wondering what to tell his wife.

Read more »

Free Sex

There was this gas station trying to increase its sales, so the owner put up a sign saying "Free Sex with Fill-up." Soon a customer pulled in, filled his tank, and then asked for his free sex.

The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10, and if he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex. The buyer then guessed 8 and the proprietor said, "No, you were close. The number was 7. Sorry, no free sex this time but maybe next time".

Some time thereafter, the same man, along with his buddy this time, pulled in again for a fill-up, and again he asked for his free sex.

The proprietor again gave him the same story and asked him to guess the correct number. The man guessed 2 this time, and the proprietor said, "Sorry, it was 3. You were close but no free sex this time".

Read more »

The Cause of Mad Cow Disease

A female reporter was conducting an interview with a farmer about Mad Cow Disease. "Mr. Brown, do you have any idea what might be the cause of the disease?"

"Sure. Do you know the bulls only screw the cows once a year?"

"Umm, sir, that is a new piece of information, but what's the relationship between this and Mad Cow?"

"And did you know we milk the cows twice a day?"

"Mr. Brown, that's interesting, but, what's the point?"

Read more »

Talking Frog

An old man who loves to fish, was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say, "Pick me up."

He looked around and couldn't see any one. He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again, "Pick me up."

He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog.

The man said, "Are you talking to me?"

The frog said, "Yes, I'm talking to you. Pick me up. Then, kiss me and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen. I'll then give you more sexual pleasure that you ever could have dreamed of."

Read more »

Beautiful Woman Goes to a Gynecologist

A beautiful, voluptuous woman goes to a gynecologist. The doctor takes one look at this woman and all his professionalism goes out the window.

Right away he tells her to undress. After she has disrobed he begins to stroke her thigh.

As he does this he says to the woman, "Do you know what I'm doing?"

"Yes," she says, "you're checking for any abrasions or dermatolegical abnormalities."
Read more »

Theatrical Terms

I can't help but wonder sometimes though why lovemaking is almost always referred to in theatrical terms. For example, surely you've heard men refer to their "performance".

Read more »

Glass of Milk

After many hours of extremely acrobatic and exhausting sex with a blonde he had just picked up, a man goes into the kitchen for some food to replenish his justspent energy. He pours himself a glass of milk and right before drinking it, he realizes his manhood is still pretty hot, so he sticks it in the glass to cool it off.

Just then the blonde walks in and says, "Oh, I always wondered how you refilled those."

The Last 24 Hours

A man went to the Doctor and the doctor told him he had only 24 hours to live. He goes home to tell his wife and after they both had a long cry over it, he asked her if she would have sex with him since he only had 24 hours to live.

"Of course Darling," she replied.

And so they have sex.

Read more »

The Elephant and the Ant

One day, while an elephant was walking through the woods, she got a thorn stuck in her foot. She saw an ant passing and asked him to help her get the thorn out.

The ant asked, "What do I get in return?"

The elephant replied, "If you get it out, I'll have sex with you."

Read more »

Young Boy Asked His Mother

A young boy asked his mother "Ma, is it true that people can be taken apart like machines?"

"Of course not, where did you hear such nonsense?" replied by his mother.
Read more »

First Sex

John pulled over the car by the side of the road and showed Brian where he'd first had sex.

"It was right down there by that tree. I remember the day plainly. It was a warm summer day. She and I were so much in love. We walked down to the tree and made love for hours,"

"That sounds wonderful," said Brian.
Read more »