Farmer and His Wife

A farmer and his wife were laying in bed one night, the farmer feeling a little frisky, reaches over and gives his wife's breast a little feel and says, "Mother, if this could give milk, we could get rid of the cow."

His hand then travels down to her crotch, and he says, "Mother, if this could give eggs, we could get rid of the chickens."

His wife then reaches over and grabs his penis. "Father, if this could stay hard, we could get rid of your brother."

Warming Up

A man comes home from work to find his wife sliding down the banister.

"What are you doing?" he asks.

"Warming up your dinner."

Short of Money

A guy, short of money asked a man what he could do to earn some.

The man replied, "I'll give you $1000 if you do three tasks. You need to knock out a wrestler, pull a loose tooth out of a dingo's mouth and screw an old lady."

So the guy quickly runs up to the wrestler and punches him out.

He then leaps into the bushes after the dingo. Several minutes go buy and he is heard rolling around and moaning before finally emerging triumphant.

He then turns to the man and says, "Where's this old lady so I can pull her tooth out and get paid?"

AM/FM

A sexy lady meet a handsome young man in a pub, after some drinks and a little tipsy the sexy lady said to the young man, "My mouth is like a loud speaker, my two breasts are for tuning, left one is for tuning the channel AM or FM and my right breast is for tuning bass and treble depending which mode you want."

The young man was aroused by the young lady expression, and said to the lady, "I don't believe it."

Young lady said, "You can try it if you want".

Young man said, "Ok come to my hotel room and prove it to me."

They agreed and both holding hands and headed for the hotel room. Upon entering the room the young lady undressed herself and soon the young man start feeling the left nipple for AM/FM fine-tuning. After a while nothing happen. He changed to the right nipple and start rubbing with greater pressure.

Read more »

Getting Old

How do you know your wife is getting old?

When you say to her, "Let's go upstairs and have sex" and she says "I can't do both."

One Rainy Spring Night in Belfast

One rainy spring night in Belfast, a taxi driver spotted an arm waving from the shadows of an alley.

Even before he rolled to a stop at the curb, a figure leaped into the cab and slammed the door. Checking his rear view mirror as he pulled away, he was startled to see a dripping wet, naked woman sitting in the back seat.

"Where to?" he stammered.

"Vale Road," answered the woman.

"OK," he said, taking another long glance in the mirror.

The woman caught him staring at her and asked, "Just what the hell are you looking at?"

Read more »

Women Seducing Men

A shy man was feeling a little lucky and decided to ask the subdued provocative librarian about seduction as he tended to be oblique in his intentions.

"Do you have any books on women seducing men?"

The librarian answered without hesitation. "Why yes," she murmured. "Most likely found in the 'Fantasy section'."

Either Screw or Swim

Mike walks into the bar and sees Pat sitting at the end of the bar with a big smile on his face. Mike says, "Pat what are you so happy about?"

"Well Mike i gotta tell ya... Yesterday I was out waxing my boat and a redhead came up to me boobs out to here, Mike...boobs out to here! She says, 'Can I have a ride in your boat?' I said, 'Sure you can have a ride in my boat!' So I took her way out Mike. I turned off the key and said, 'It's either screw or swim!' She couldn't swim Mike, she couldn't swim!"

The next day Mike walks into the bar and sees Pat siting at tne end of the bar with a even bigger smile on his face. Mike says, "Well what are you so happy about today Pat?"

Read more »

Nurse

The nurse was walking down the hospital corridor when her supervisor spotted her. The supervisor couldn't believe it: The nurse's hair was unkempt, her dress wrinkled, and to top off her overall dishevelment, one of her breasts was hanging out of the open front of her uniform!

"Miss Jennings! How can you account for parading around the hospital not only looking like a derelict, but with your breast exposed!"

"Oh," said the nurse, as she stuffed her breast into her uniform, "It's those darn interns! They never put anything back when they're through using it!"

Sexual Statistics

A man boards a flight and is lucky enough to be seated next to an absolutely gorgeous woman. They exchange brief hellos and he notices that she is reading a manual about sexual statistics.

He asks her about it and she replies, "This is a very interesting book about sexual statistics. It identifies that American Indians have the longest average penis and Polish men have the biggest average diameter. By the way my name is Jill. What's yours?"

He coolly replies, "Tonto Kowalski, nice to meet you."

The Rent

"That damn husband of mine wanted me to sleep with the landlord because he lost the rent money playing poker," the housewife told a neighbor.

"You didn't do it, did you?"

"I have to admit I did -- though with certain misgivings, I might add. What I haven't done, though, is tell my husband I'd already paid the rent up for six months!"

Itchy Pussy

This lady is shopping in a supermarket when she notices this handsome muscular boy doing the bagging at one of the checkouts.

Making sure she goes through his line she leans over and asks if he'll carry her groceries out to which he responds, "Sure lady".

Read more »

Experimental Treatment

Jack goes to the doctor and says, "Doc, I'm having trouble getting my penis erect. Can you help me?"

After a complete examination the doctor tells Jack, "Well, the problem with you is that the muscles around the base of your penis are damaged. There's really nothing I can do for you unless you are willing to try an experimental treatment."

Jack asks sadly, "What is this treatment?"

"Well," the doctor explains, "what we would do is take the muscles from the trunk of a baby elephant and implant them in your penis."

Jack thinks about it silently then says, "Well the thought of going through life without ever having sex again is too much, let's go for it."

Read more »

Safety

A business man packing for a trip glances in his briefcase.

"Honey?"

"Yes, darling?"

"Honey," he says, in mild exasperation, "why do you persist in putting a condom in my briefcase every time I go on a trip? You know I only have eyes for you. I'd never be unfaithful."

"Oh, I know, darling, and I trust you," she replies sweetly, "It's just that, well you know, with all those terrible diseases out there, it would make me feel better to know that if anything did happen, you'd be protected. So please, darling, take it with you, won't you? For my peace of mind?"

Read more »

Hickey

A married man decided to work late to be with his sexy secretary, so he called his wife to make up an excuse.

After work he invited his secretary to dinner. It soon became obvious that he was going to get lucky, so the two went back to her apartment and had great sex for two hours.

Afterward the fellow went to the bathroom to straighten up for the trip home and noticed a huge hickey on his neck. He panicked, wondering what to tell his wife.

Read more »

Free Sex

There was this gas station trying to increase its sales, so the owner put up a sign saying "Free Sex with Fill-up." Soon a customer pulled in, filled his tank, and then asked for his free sex.

The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10, and if he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex. The buyer then guessed 8 and the proprietor said, "No, you were close. The number was 7. Sorry, no free sex this time but maybe next time".

Some time thereafter, the same man, along with his buddy this time, pulled in again for a fill-up, and again he asked for his free sex.

The proprietor again gave him the same story and asked him to guess the correct number. The man guessed 2 this time, and the proprietor said, "Sorry, it was 3. You were close but no free sex this time".

Read more »

Discussing Women

Three guys are discussing women.

"I like to watch a woman's tits best," the first guy says.

The second says, "I like to look at a woman's ass."

He asks the third guy, "What about you?"

Read more »

Different Position

Husband: Shall we try a different position tonight?

Wife: That's a good idea... you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart.

Theatrical Terms

I can't help but wonder sometimes though why lovemaking is almost always referred to in theatrical terms. For example, surely you've heard men refer to their "performance".

Read more »

Husband's Penis

Lorena Bobbitt had just cut off her husband's penis. She was driving down the road, wondering what to do with it, when the thought struck her to toss it out the window. The penis bounced off the windscreen of the car travelling in the opposite direction.

"Shit," said the driver to his passenger. "What kind of bug was that?"

Read more »