Flavors

The Russian couple's sex life was terrible, so they were quite excited when Moscow's first sex store opened up across the street.

"Olga, why don't you go out and buy some of that feminine deodorant spray I've read about?" said Ivan.

She agreed.

An hour later, she returned, all excited.

"You should see all the flavors they have," she told her husband. "Strawberry, cherry, banana..."

"What kind did you get?" he interrupted.

"Tuna," she replied.

The Postman

Three women were sitting around throwing back a few drinks and talking about their love lives.

One woman said, "I call my husband the dentist. Nobody can drill like he does."

The second woman giggled and confessed, "I call my husband the miner because of his incredible shaft."

The third woman quietly sipped her whiskey until her friend asked, "Say, what do you call your husband?"

She frowned and said, "The postman."

"Why the postman?"

"Because he always delivers late, and half the time it's in the wrong box."

Deaf Mute

One day, a deaf mute walks into a Chemist to buy some condoms. He has difficulty communicating with pharmacist, and cannot see condoms on the shelf.

Frustrated, the deaf-mute finally unzips his pants, places his willy on the counter, and puts down a five-pound note next to it.

The pharmacist unzips his pants, does the same as the deaf-mute, and then picks up both notes and stuffs them in his pocket.

Exasperated, the deaf mute begins to curse the pharmacist wildly in sign language.

"Look," the pharmacist says, "if you can't afford to lose, you shouldn't make a bet..."

On a Very Cold Winter Night

On a very cold winter night, three homeless men huddled up close to keep warm. In the morning, the guy on the right says, "I had a dream that someone was pulling on my dick."

The guy on the left says, "I also had a dream that someone was pulling on my dick."

The guy in the middle says, "I had a dream that I went skiing."

Made in the 70s

Q: How can you tell if a porno was made in the 70s?

A: Even the guys' penises have sideburns.

Accident

A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both quite startled.

The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me."

She replies, "If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 1221."

Whistle

A young Japanese girl had been taught all of her life that when she married she was to please her husband and never upset him. So the first morning of her honeymoon when the young Japanese bride crawled out of the bed after making love and she stooped down to pick up her husband's clothes and she let out a big fart.

She looked up and said, "Excuse please, front hole so happy back hole whistle!

Buying Condoms

A young man is buying some condoms. The cashier asks him, "Would you like a bag with those?"

"No," he replies, "she's not that ugly."

Do You Have a Pussy?

A woman is alone at home when she hears someone knock at the door. She goes to the door and opens the door to see a man standing there.

He asks the lady, "Do you have a pussy?"

She slams the door in disgust.

The next morning she hears a knock at the door, it is the same man, and he asks the same question: "Do you have a pussy?" She slams the door again.

Later that night when her husband gets home, she tells him what has happened for the last two days. The husband tells the wife in a loving and concerned voice, "Honey, I am taking tomorrow off to be home just in case this guy shows up again".
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John and Sam

One day John looks over the fence and spies Sam's wife, naked, watering the garden. When Sam gets home from work, John brags to him that he's seen his wife naked.

Sam wants revenge, so that night creeps over to John's yard and catches sight of John's wife performing oral sex.

The next day, Sam approaches John at the mailbox. "Hey, I saw your wife performing oral sex on you last night."

"Ha ha, the joke's on you," John says, "I wasn't home last night!"

Unusual Tattoos

A woman goes into a tattoo parlor and tells the tattoo artist that she wants a tattoo of a turkey on her right thigh, right up just below her bikini line. She also wants him to put "Happy Thanksgiving" under the turkey. So the guy does it and it comes out looking real good.

The woman then instructs him to put a Santa Clause with "Merry Christmas" up on her left thigh. So the guy does it and it comes out looking good too.

As the woman is getting dressed to leave, the tattoo artist says, "If you don't mind, could you tell me why you had me put such unusual tattoos on your thighs?"
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Boyfriend's Furlough

The young Swedish au pair had been working for the couple for over a year. While pleasant and hardworking, the girl still struggled with the English language.

One day she informed the Lady of the House, that her boyfriend in the Army was coming for a visit.

"That's wonderful. How long is his furlough?" asked the lady.
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Birthrate

A little town had a high birth rate that had attracted the attention of the sociologists at the state university. They wrote a grant proposal; got a huge chunk of money; hired a few additional sociologists, anthropologist and a family planning and birth control specialist; moved to town; rented offices; set up their computers; got squared away; and began designing their questionnaires and such.
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Fourteen Canaries

Three young women are at a cocktail party.

The conversation turns to their position in life, and it's clear that they're trying to one-up each other.

The first one says, "My husband is taking me to the French Riviera for two weeks on vacation," and then looks at the others with a superior demeanor.
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Great Sex Position

Q: What do you call a 6.9?
A: A great sex position fucked up by a period!

Breaking Up the Monotony

Steve complained to his friend Al that lovemaking with his wife was becoming routine and boring.

"Get creative buddy. Break up the monotony. Why don't you try playing doctor for an hour?"

"Sounds great," Steve replied, "but how do you make it last for an hour?"
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Free Sex

A man is driving down the freeway when he sees a sign that says, "Get gas and free sex here".

So obviously the guy was interested, so he stopped, filled up went inside to pay.

"Pick a number from 1 - 10 to get free sex." said the cashier.
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Three Things a Man Wants in Life

A husband, wife and their seven-year-old son walk into an ice-cream shop. The dad says "I'll have a chocolate cone, and my wife here will have a vanilla."

He then slaps his son on the back of the head and says: "What do you want, fat-head?"

The lady behind the counter, shocked, says, "Why did you call him that?"
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Dreams

A wife woke up from her night's sleep and began recounting her dream to her husband.

"I dreamt they were auctioning off dicks in this place, "she began, "the big ones went for a tenner and the thick ones went for 20."

"How about the ones like mine?" asked her husband.
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Almighty Genie

A couple was golfing one day on a very, very exclusive golf course lined with million-dollar houses.

On the third tee, the husband said, "Honey, be very careful when you drive the ball. Don't knock out any windows. It'll cost us a fortune to fix."

The wife teed up and shanked it right through the window of the biggest house on the course.
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