Larry's Bar

A man goes to a shrink and says, "Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me. Every evening, she goes to Larry's bar and picks up men. In fact, she sleeps with anybody who asks her! I'm going crazy. What do you think I should do?"

"Relax," says the Doctor, "take a deep breath and calm down. Now, tell me, where exactly is Larry's bar?"

Coffee or Tea

Customer: Waiter, is this supposed to be coffee or tea?

Waiter: What does it taste like?

Customer: It tastes like gasoline!

Waiter: Well, sir, that would be the coffee. The tea tastes like turpentine.

Penguin Walks into a Bar

A penguin walks into a bar, goes to the counter, and asks the bartender, "Have you seen my brother?"

The bartender says, "I don't know. What does he look like?"

Family Problems

Two men, one American and an Indian were sitting in a bar drinking shot after shot.

The Indian man said to the American, "You know my parents are forcing me to get married to this so called homely girl from a village whom I haven't even met once. We call this arranged marriage. I don't want to marry a woman whom I don't love... I told them that openly and now have a hell lot of family problems."

The American said, "Talking about love marriages... I'll tell you my story. I married a widow whom I deeply loved and dated for 3 years. After a couple of years, my father fell in love with my step-daughter and so my father became my son-in-law and I became my father's father-in-law. My daughter is my mother and my wife my grandmother.

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Expensive Beer

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. He only brought enough money for one beer though. As he's drinking his beer, which was quite expensive, he realizes how bad he has to go to the bathroom. Not wanting anyone to drink his expensive beer, he takes out a card and writes on it, "I spit in this beer", and walks to the bathroom.

When he comes back about 15 minutes later, there's another card next to his beer saying, "I spit in it too."

12" Pianist

One evening this drunk walks into a bar, sits down, and happens to notice a 12" tall man standing on the bar. Astonished, the man asks the guy next to him, "What the hell is that?"

The guy next to him answers, "He's a pianist!"

The drunk replied, "Horse shit, your pulling my leg."

So the guy next to him picks up the 12" man, grabs some books, and props the little man up to the piano. Sure enough, this little man started hammering out all the favorite tunes of the bars' patrons.

Stunned, the drunk asks, "That little guy is cool, where the hell did you get him?"
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Either Screw or Swim

Mike walks into the bar and sees Pat sitting at the end of the bar with a big smile on his face. Mike says, "Pat what are you so happy about?"

"Well Mike i gotta tell ya... Yesterday I was out waxing my boat and a redhead came up to me boobs out to here, Mike...boobs out to here! She says, 'Can I have a ride in your boat?' I said, 'Sure you can have a ride in my boat!' So I took her way out Mike. I turned off the key and said, 'It's either screw or swim!' She couldn't swim Mike, she couldn't swim!"

The next day Mike walks into the bar and sees Pat siting at tne end of the bar with a even bigger smile on his face. Mike says, "Well what are you so happy about today Pat?"

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All Night Drinking

An Irishman's been at a pub all night drinking. The bartender finally says that the bar is closed. So he stands up to leave and falls flat on his face. He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.

Once outside he stands up and falls flat on his face. So he crawls home and at the door stands up and falls flat on his face. He crawls through the door and up the stairs. When he reaches his bed he tries one more time to stand up. This time he falls right into bed and is sound asleep.

He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him shouting at him. "So, you've been out drinking again!!"
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Terrific Smell

This bloke went into a nightclub and saw a gorgeous honey sitting by herself at the bar, he asked her to dance. She agreed and they took to the dance floor for a slow one.

While they were cheek to cheek, the guy said, "You really smell terrific. What's that you have on?"

The flattered girl told him it was Chanel #5. Then wanting to return the compliment, she said, "You smell good, too. What is it that you have on?"

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Burglar

"Get this," said a guy to his friends, "Last night, while I was down at the bar with you guys, a burglar broke into my house."

"Did he get anything?" his friends asked.

The guy said, "Yeah, a broken jaw, six teeth knocked out, and a pair of broken ribs."

One of his friends ask, "Whoa! But... how?"

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Cut Off

A man walks into a dimly lit bar and the bartender asks him, "Why is the front of your shirt all bloody?"

His customer answers in a slurred voice, "My wife caught me with another woman and cut off my penis."

"Oh come on," replies the bartender.

The customer then says, "If you don't believe me, I'll show you."

He proceeds to rifle through his suitcase and pulls out this long thin thing and lays it on the bar.

The bartender bends down and looks closely and says, "Why this is just a cigar".

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Personal Question

A guy wandered over to a beautiful woman in a bar and started chatting her up. Not too far into the conversation he said: "Do you mind If I ask you a personal question?"

"That depends on how personal it is," she replied.

"Okay," he said tentatively. "How many men have you slept with?"

"No way I am going to tell you that!" she snapped. "That's my business!"

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Squeezed Lemon

The local bar was so sure that its owner was the strongest man around that it offered a standing $1,000 bet that no could beat him.

The challenge was that the owner would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran out into a beer glass, then hand the lemon to the customer. Anyone who could squeeze even one more drop out of the lemon would win the money.

Over the years many people had tried this, truck drivers, weightlifters and all had failed. Then one day this frail little fella with heavy rimmed spectacles came into the bar and asked if he could try the challenge.

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Scotsman in a Havana Bar

A Scotsman, drinking in a Havana bar, saw a man with a large black beard enter. He ordered a drink, the bartender served him, he drank it, and then started to leave.

The bartender said, "Hey! Aren't you going to pay for that drink?"

The man said, "Excuse me? Castro's Army!" and walked out.

A few minutes later, the Scotsman saw another man with a large black beard enter, order a drink, drink it, and start to leave. The bartender said, "Hey! Aren't you going to pay for that?"

The man said, "Excuse me? Castro's Army!" and walked out.

When the Scotsman finished his drink, he started to leave and the bartender said, "Hey! Aren't you going to pay for those drinks?"

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Twenty Dollars for the Cleaning Bill

Two men are in a bar getting drunk. Suddenly one of them throws up all over himself. He says, "Oh, no. Now my wife will kill me".

His friend says, "Don't worry. Just tuck a twenty dollar bill in your breast pocket and tell your wife that someone threw up on you and gave you twenty dollars for the dry cleaning bill".

So they stay for another couple of hours and get even drunker.

Eventually he reels home and his wife starts to give him a bad time: "You reek of alcohol and you've thrown up all over yourself, you're disgusting..."

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Drinking Problem

You know you have a drinking problem when the bartender knows your name… and you’ve never been to that bar before.

Old Sea Captain Goes Into a Bar

An old sea captain with one wooden leg, one hook replacing a missing hand, and one missing eye goes into a bar.

The sailor sitting next to him says, "You're really in bad shape. What happened to your leg?"

"I fell overboard," says the Captain, "and before my mates could pull me aboard, a shark bit it off."

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Would You Like to Dance?

A guy goes up to this girl in a bar and says, "Would you like to dance?"

The girl says, "I don't like this song, but even if I did, I wouldn't dance with you."

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Attention All

There was a husband and his wife sitting next to a drunk in a bar. Suddenly the drunk stands up and yells, "Attention all!!" and farts loudly.

The wife is extremely embarrassed, and the husband looks at the drunk and says, "Excuse me, you just farted before my wife."

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Girlfriend in the Car

A man had been drinking at the bar for hours when he mentioned something about his girlfriend being out in the car. The bartender, concerned because it was so cold, went to check on her.

When he looked inside the car, he saw the drunk's buddy, Pete, and his girlfriend going at it in the back-seat. The bartender shook his head and walked back inside. He told the drunk that he thought it might be a good idea to check on his girlfriend.
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