Deaf Mute

One day, a deaf mute walks into a Chemist to buy some condoms. He has difficulty communicating with pharmacist, and cannot see condoms on the shelf.

Frustrated, the deaf-mute finally unzips his pants, places his willy on the counter, and puts down a five-pound note next to it.

The pharmacist unzips his pants, does the same as the deaf-mute, and then picks up both notes and stuffs them in his pocket.

Exasperated, the deaf mute begins to curse the pharmacist wildly in sign language.

"Look," the pharmacist says, "if you can't afford to lose, you shouldn't make a bet..."

Happy Woman

A woman in her late thirties is at home happily jumping unclothed, on her bed and squealing with delight.

Her husband watches her for a while and asks, "Do you have any idea how ridiculous you look? What's the matter with you?"

The woman continues to bounce on the bed and says, "I don't care what you think. I just came from having a mammogram and the doctor says that not only am I healthy, but I have the breasts of an 18-year-old."

The husband replies, "What did he say about your 42-year old arse?"

"Your name never came up," she replied.

The Third Wish

A man was sitting alone in his office one night when a genie appeared in a puff of smoke and said, "And what will your third wish be?"

The man looked at the genie and said, "Huh? How can I be getting a third wish, when I haven't had a first or second wish yet?"

"You have had two wishes already," the genie said, "but your second wish was for me to put everything back the way it was before you made your first wish. Thus, you remember nothing, because everything is the way it was before you made any wishes. You have one wish left."

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Divorce

Earl and Bubba, two boys from Dixie are quietly sitting in a boat fishing, chewing and drinking beer when suddenly Bubba says, "I think I'm going to divorce my wife - she hasn't spoke to me in over 2 months."

Earl spits, sips his beer and says, "You better think it over - women like that are hard to find."

25 Inch Dick

There is this guy who has a 25 inch dick. He goes to a witch in the woods and asks her if she can make his dick smaller because he just can't please the ladies because it is just too big, he hasn't found a lady yet who likes it and he can't get any pleasure.

She tells him to go into the woods and he will find a frog when he finds the frog he is to ask it to marry him. If the frog says 'no', his cock will shrink 5 inches.

He goes into the woods and finds this frog. He asks, "Frog, will you marry me?"

The frog says, "No", and his prick shrinks five inches.

The guys thinks to himself, "Wow, that was pretty cool. But, it's still too big."

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Fellow Bought a New Mercedes

A fellow bought a new Mercedes and was out on an interstate road for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80mph, he suddenly saw a flashing red and blue light behind him.

"There ain't no way they can catch a Mercedes," he thought to himself, and opened her up further.

The needle hit 90, 100, 110 and finally 120 with the lights still behind him.

"What on earth am I doing?" he thought and pulled over. The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car.
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Three Women to Marry

A man is dating three women and wants to decide which to marry. He decides to give them a test. He gives each woman a present of $5000 and waits to see what they do with the money. The first does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new make up and buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much. The man was impressed.

The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much. Again, the man is impressed.
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Swimming Prohibited

A good looking woman walked into an orchard and found a lovely pool in it, and decided to go skinny-dipping. She looked around, didn't see anyone, and undressed.

Naked and just as she was about to dive in, the orchard grower appeared from behind the bush where he was hiding all along and told her that swimming was prohibited.

"You could have told me that before I undressed!" she scolded him.

He replied, "Hey! Only swimming is prohibited, undressing isn't..."

Three Kinds of Men

There are three kinds of men: The ones that learn by reading. The few who learn by observation.

The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence for themselves.

Sister in the Army

A man was bragging about his sister who disguised herself, as a man and joined the army.

"But, wait a minute," said the listener, "She'll have to dress with the boys and shower with them too. Won't she?"

"Sure," replied the man.

"Well, won't they find out?"
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A Little Oral Sex

A woman is in a coma. Nurses are in her room giving her a sponge bath. One of them is washing her "private area" and notices that there is a response on the monitor when he touches her. They go to her husband and explain what happened, telling him, "Crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma." The husband is skeptical, but they assure him that they'll close the curtains for privacy. Besides it's worth a try.
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Women's English / Men's English

Women's English

1. Yes = No
   
2. No = Yes
   
3. Maybe = No
   
4. We need = I want
   
5. I am sorry = you'll be sorry
   
6. We need to talk = I need to complain
   
7. Sure, go ahead = I don't want you to
   
8. Do what you want = You will pay for this later
   
9. I am not upset = Of course I am upset, you moron!
   
10. Are you listening to me? = Too late, you're dead
    
11. You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me
    
12. Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs
    
13. You're so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot
    
14. Do you love me? = I am going to ask for something expensive
    
15. It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now
    
16. You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?
    
17. I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV
    
18. How much do you love me? = I did something today that you're really not going to like
    

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Different Vacation

I said, "Ya know, I reckon I'm 'bout ready for a vacation. Only this year I'm gonna do it a little different. The last few years, I took your advice about where to go. Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and me wife got pregnant. Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas, and me wife got pregnant again. Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if me wife didn't get pregnant again."

My buddy asked me, "So, what you gonna do this year that's different?"

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Cut Off

A man walks into a dimly lit bar and the bartender asks him, "Why is the front of your shirt all bloody?"

His customer answers in a slurred voice, "My wife caught me with another woman and cut off my penis."

"Oh come on," replies the bartender.

The customer then says, "If you don't believe me, I'll show you."

He proceeds to rifle through his suitcase and pulls out this long thin thing and lays it on the bar.

The bartender bends down and looks closely and says, "Why this is just a cigar".

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Licking the Nuts

There were two guys walking down the street and they saw a dog licking his nuts.

One of the guys said. "Man I wish I could do that."

Then the other guy said, "Man that dog will bite you!"

Keeping Secrets

At a dinner party, several of the guests were arguing whether men or women were more trustworthy. "No woman," said one man, scornfully, "can keep a secret."

"I don't know about that," answered a woman guest. "I have kept my age a secret since I was twenty-one."

"You'll let it out some day," the man insisted.
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The Worst Pain

A man and a woman were discussing the worst pain a person could possibly experience.

"Without doubt, there is nothing more painful in life than childbirth," said the woman.

"Nonsense," said the man, "a kick to the crotch is much more painful. Ask any guy."

"You're so wrong," maintained the woman, "Childbirth is far more painful."

"The man was not about to yield to her argument and announced: "I have proof that I am right."

"What proof?" she asked scornfully.
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Ten Minutes Late

One of the regular foursome was sick, so a new member named George filled in. He was very good and pleasant company so they asked him to join them again the following Sunday. "9:30 okay?"

George said, "Fine, but I may be about ten minutes late. Wait for me."

The following Sunday George showed up right on time. Not only that he played left-handed and beat them.

They agreed to meet the following Sunday at 9:30. George again said, "Okay, but I may be about ten minutes late. Wait for me."

The next Sunday there was George, punctual to the dot. This time he played right-handed and beat them again.

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Free Sex

There was this gas station trying to increase its sales, so the owner put up a sign saying "Free Sex with Fill-up." Soon a customer pulled in, filled his tank, and then asked for his free sex.

The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10, and if he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex. The buyer then guessed 8 and the proprietor said, "No, you were close. The number was 7. Sorry, no free sex this time but maybe next time".

Some time thereafter, the same man, along with his buddy this time, pulled in again for a fill-up, and again he asked for his free sex.

The proprietor again gave him the same story and asked him to guess the correct number. The man guessed 2 this time, and the proprietor said, "Sorry, it was 3. You were close but no free sex this time".

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Battery

An angry motorist went back to a garage where he'd purchased an expensive battery for his car six months earlier.

"Listen," the motorist grumbled to the owner of the garage, "when I bought that battery you said it would be the last battery my car would ever need. It died after only six months!"

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