Silent Fart

An elderly couple was attending a church service. About halfway through the wife leans over and says, "I just did a silent fart, what do you think I should do?"

The husband replies, "Put a new battery in your hearing aid."

In Fifty Years

Three elderly gentlemen were talking about what their grandchildren would be saying about them in fifty years' time.

The first said, "I would like my grandchildren to say 'He was great fun to be with.'"

"Fifty years from now," said the second, "I want mine to say 'He was a loyal and loving family man.'"

Turning to the third man, they asked him, "So what do you want them to say about you in fifty years?"

"I want them to say," the third man replied, "He looks really good for his age!"

An Old Man and Three Bikers

An old man was eating in a truck stop when three bikers walked in.

The first walked up to the old man, pushed his cigarette into the old man's pie and then took a seat at the counter. The second walked up to the old man, spit into the old man's milk and then he took a seat at the counter. The third walked up to the old man, turned over the old man's plate, and then he took a seat at the counter.

Without a word of protest, the old man quietly left the diner.

Shortly thereafter, one of the bikers said to the waitress, "Humph, not much of a man, was he?"

The waitress replied, "Not much of a truck driver either. He just backed his truck over three motorcycles."

Senior Golfers

A foursome of senior golfers hit the course with waning enthusiasm for the sport.

"These hills are getting steeper as the years go by," one complained.

"These fairways seem to be getting longer too," said one of the others.

"The sand traps seem to be bigger than I remember them too," said the third senior.

After hearing enough from his Senior buddies, the oldest, and the wisest of the four of them at 87 years old, piped up and said...

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Liquor and Women

Two guys were discussing life in general over drinks one night. "My grandfather lived to be 96."

"Ninety-six? What finally got him?"

"Liquor and women."

"Well, that just goes to show ya," snickered the one guy, "both will get you in the end."

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Shaky Hands

Three old men were talking about how much their hands shook.
The first old guy said, "My hands shake so bad, that when I shaved his morning, I cut my face."

The second old fogey one-upped him and said, "My hands shake so bad, that when I trimmed my garden yesterday, I sliced all my flowers."

The third old man laughed and said, "That's nothing. My hands shake so bad that when I took a piss yesterday, I came three times!"

Good Customer

A little old lady sold pretzels on a street corner. The price of a pretzel was 25 cents.

Every day a young man would leave his office building at lunch time and, as he passed her pretzel stand, he would leave her a quarter, but would never take a pretzel.

This went on for more than five years. The two of them never spoke.
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Infrequently

An elderly couple had been dating for some time. Finally, they decided it was time for marriage. Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on.

Finally the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship. "How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather trustingly.

"Well," she says, responding carefully, "I'd have to say I would like it infrequently."

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An Elderly Man Goes into a Brothel

An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is.

"I'm 90 years old," he says.

"90!" replies the woman. "Don't you realize you've had it?"

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Three Times a Week

70 year-old Mrs Potts went to the doctor for her annual check up. He told her she needed more activity and recommended sex three times a week. She said to the doctor, "Please, tell my husband." The doctor went out to the waiting room and told Mr Potts that his wife needed to have sex three times a week.

The eighty-year-old husband replied, "Which days?"

"How about Monday, Wednesday, and Friday?"

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Like an Asthma Attack

One day two old ladies met up for a spot of lunch, one of the ladies said to the other "Did you come on the bus?"

The other lady replied, "Yeah, but I made it look like an asthma attack."

Talking Frog

An old man who loves to fish, was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say, "Pick me up."

He looked around and couldn't see any one. He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again, "Pick me up."

He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog.

The man said, "Are you talking to me?"

The frog said, "Yes, I'm talking to you. Pick me up. Then, kiss me and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen. I'll then give you more sexual pleasure that you ever could have dreamed of."

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Oriskany Falls

The little old lady seated herself right behind the bus driver. Every ten minutes or so she'd pipe up, "Have we reached Oriskany Falls yet, sonny?"

"No, lady, not yet; I'll let you know," he replied, time after time.

The hours passed, the old woman kept asking for Oriskany Falls, and finally the little town came into view. Sighing with relief, the driver slammed on the brakes, pulled over and called out, "This is where you get out, lady."

"Is this Oriskany Falls?"

"YES!" he bellowed. "Get out!"

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Witness

The old man was a witness in a burglary trial.

The defense lawyer asks Sam, "Did you see my client commit this burglary?"

"Yes," said Sam, "I saw him plainly take the goods."

The lawyer asks Sam again, "Sam, this happened at night. Are you sure you saw my client commit this crime?"

"Yes," says Sam, "I saw him do it."
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Informing the Pilot

On a recent flight, an elderly passenger kept peering out the window.

Since it was totally dark, all she could see was the blinking wing-tip light.

Finally, she rang for the flight attendant.
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Eating Out

Two senior couples are walking along, wives in front, husbands in back. Herb says to Sam, "Gee, we went to a new restaurant last night and had the best meal ever. Good prices too."

Sam says, "Well, we like to eat out too. What was the name of the restaurant?"

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Before the Cremation

Minutes before the cremation, the undertaker quietly sat down next to the grieving widow. "How old was your husband?" he asked.

"He was ninety-eight," she answered softly. "Two years oder than I am."

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Elderly Man Goes into Brothel

An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is.

"I'm 90 years old," he says.

"90!" replies the woman. "Don't you realize you've had it?"
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Annual Checkup

An 80 year old man was having his annual checkup and the doctor asked him how he was feeling.

"I've never been better!" he boasted. "I've got an eighteen year old bride who's pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?"

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Sexy Seniors

An old couple go to a doctor and ask him to watch them have sex and tell if he see's them doing anything wrong. So they have sex.

While they are getting dressed the doctor said, "Well I don't see anything wrong!"

A week later they come again and ask the doctor to watch to see if they are doing anything wrong. They have sex and the doctor says, "Well again I don't see anything wrong."
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