Find the Andes

A little boy was doing his homework one evening and turned to his father and said, "Dad, where would I find the Andes?"

"Don't ask me," said the father. "Ask your mother. She puts everything away in the house."

Charm Course

At one of the last all girl schools, the instructor in a 'Charm Course' was urging her students to give their escorts every chance to be gallant.

"Remain seated in the truck until he has had time to step around and open the door for you," she said.

Then, returning to reality, she added, "But, if the big, dumb idiot is in the restaurant ordering his steak... don't wait any longer."

The Good Samaritan

A Sunday School teacher was telling the story of the Good Samaritan to her class of 4 and 5 year-olds. She was making it as vivid as possible to keep the children interested in her tale.

At one point, she asked the class, "If you saw a person lying on the roadside all wounded and bleeding, what would you do?"

A thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence, "I think I'd throw up."

Tenses

Teacher: Today, we're going to talk about the tenses. Now, if I say "I am beautiful", which tense is it?
Student: Obviously it is the past tense.

Skipping School

Grandpa: "Go hide, your teacher is here because you skipped school today!"

Boy: "No you go hide. I told her you were dead!"

Correct the Sentence

Teacher: Correct the sentence, "A bull and a cow is grazing in the field."

Student: A cow and a bull is grazing in the field.

Teacher: How?

Student: Ladies first.

Eating Apples

At school one morning, the teacher asked little Johnny what he had for breakfast. Little Johnny said, "Well, on my way to school I come cross this apple tree, so I climbed up there and started eating apples. I guess I eat about six," said little Johnny.

"No," said the teacher, "It's ate!"

Little Johnny said, "Well it could've been eight, I don't remember."

Greek Mythology

The teacher asked: "What was the name of the person in Greek mythology who was half man and half animal?"

Billy raised his hand. "Yes?" the teacher acknowledged.

"Buffalo Bill," replied Billy.

My Dog

Teacher: Clyde, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?

Clyde: No, teacher, it's the same dog.

The Law of Gravity

A school kid asks his teacher, "Is it true that the law of gravity keeps us on Earth?"

The teacher replied, "Yes."

The kid then asked, "What kept us before the law was passed?"

Christmas Gifts

It was the first day after Christmas vacation in a 3rd grade class.
The teacher told the class that each student could tell the class one thing they got for Christmas. So, the teacher calls on a girl to come up to the front of the class and tell everyone one thing she got.

"My daddy got me a Bow-Wow," she said.

The teacher tells the class that they are old enough to know the correct words for things without using nicknames. The teacher tells the girl to try again.

The girl thinks real hard..."My dad got me a dog," she said.

She sat down and a boy got up and said, "I got a choo-choo!"

The teacher scolded him and told him to try again.

The boy thought hard and said, "I got an electric train!"
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Million Dollars

An English teacher asked her class to write an essay on what they'd do if they had a million dollars. Alec handed in a blank sheet of paper. "Alec!" yelled the teacher, "you've done nothing. Why?"

"Because if I had a million dollars, that's exactly what I would do!"

Discrimination

The first grade class in Brooklyn comes in from recess.

Teacher asks Sarah, "What did you do at recess?"

Sarah says, "I played in the sand box."

Teacher says, "That's good. Go to the blackboard, and if you can write 'sand' correctly, I'll give you a fresh-baked cookie." She does and gets a cookie.

Teacher asks Morris what he did at recess. Morris says, "I played with Sarah in the sand box."

Teacher says, "Good. If you write 'box' correctly on blackboard, I'll give you a fresh-baked cookie." Morris does, and gets a cookie.
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Can't Find It

Norman was excited about his first day at school. So excited in fact, that only a few minutes after class started, he realized that he desperately needed to go to the bathroom.

So Norman raised his hand politely to ask if he could be excused.

Of course the teacher said yes, but asked Norman to be quick.

Five minutes later Norman returned, looking more desperate and embarrassed.

"I can't find it," he admitted.
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Punctuation

A teacher said to her little student Suzy, "Punctuate the following sentence: Fun fun fun worry worry worry."

Little Suzy thought for a moment and began her reply, "Let's see... Fun period ... fun period ... fun no period ... worry worry worry!"

The Body Part That Increases

The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. McNick, asked her class, "Which human body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"

No one answered until little Mary stood up, angry, and said, "You should not be asking 6th graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!" With a sneer on her face, she then sat back down.

Mrs. McNick ignored her and asked the question again, "Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"

Little Mary's mouth fell open; then she said to those around her, "Boy, is she gonna get in big trouble!"

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Arithmetic

Teacher: If you had one dollar and you asked your father for another, how many dollars would you have?

Johnny: One dollar.

Teacher(sadly): You don't know your arithmetic.

Johnny(sadly): You don't know my father.

Introduction

The little darlings were all in their seats on the first day of school and their new teacher introduced herself. She wrote on the board that her name is Ms. Prussy and the day passed without any further incidents.

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Stupid Mistakes

Teacher: How can one person make so many stupid mistakes in one day?

Little Johnny: I get up early.

Animal Game

One day the teacher decides to play an animal game. She holds up a picture of a giraffe and asks if anyone knows what it is. No one raises his/her hand. The teacher says "See it's long neck? What animal has a long neck?"

Sally holds up her hand and asks if it is a giraffe. "Very good Sally," the teacher replies. Next she holds up a picture of a zebra.

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