Horny Rooster

A farmer wanted to have his hens serviced, so he went to the market looking for a rooster. He was hoping he could get a special rooster - one that would service all of his many hens.

When he told this to the market vendor, the vendor replied, "I have just the rooster for you. Henry here is the horniest rooster you will ever see!"

So the farmer took Henry back to the farm. Before setting him loose in the hen house though, he gave Henry a little pep talk. "Henry", he said, "I'm counting on you to do your stuff." And without a word, Henry then strutted into the hen house.

Henry was as fast as he was furious, mounting each hen like a thunderbolt. There was much squawking and many feathers flying, till Henry had finished having his way with each hen. But Henry didn't stop there, he went in to the barn and mounted all the horses, one by one and still at the same frantic pace. Then he went to the pig house where he did the same.

The farmer, watching all of this with disbelief, cried out, "Stop, Henry, you'll kill yourself." But Henry continued, seeking out each farm animal in the same manner.

Well the next morning, the farmer looked out and saw Henry lying there on his lawn. His legs were up in the air, his eyes rolled back, and his long tongue hanging out. A buzzard was already circling above Henry.

The farmer walked up to Henry saying, "Oh you poor thing, look what you did, you've gone and killed yourself. I warned you big buddy."

"Shhhhh," Henry whispered, "The buzzard is getting closer."

Snake

"Hello! Is that a zoo?"

"Yes. What's up?"

"A snake has crawled into my home. I'm so scared and don't know what to do."

"Are you a member of The Animal Protection Association?"

"No, I'm not."

"A member of The Green Party?"

"Nope."

"Then smash it with a spade."

The Superiority of Rabbits

One sunny day a rabbit came out of her hole in the ground to enjoy the fine weather. The day was so nice that she became careless and a fox snuck up behind her and caught her.

"I am going to eat you for lunch," said the fox.

"Wait," replied the rabbit, "You should at least wait a few days."

"Oh yeah? Why should I wait?"

"Well, I am just finishing my thesis on 'The Superiority of Rabbits over Foxes and Wolves.'"

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Tough Rats

Three rats are sitting at the bar talking bragging about their bravery and toughness.

The first says, "I'm so tough, once I ate a whole bagful of rat poison!"

The second says, "Well I'm so tough, once I was caught in a rat trap and I bit it apart!"

Then the third rat gets up and says, "Later guys, I'm off home to harass the cat."

Bees

A man was driving down the road and ran out of gas. Just at that moment, a bee flew in his window. The bee said, "What seems to be the problem?"

"I'm out of gas," the man replied.

The bee told the man to wait right there and flew away. Minutes later, the man watched as an entire swarm of bees flew to his car and into his gas tank. After a few minutes, the bees flew out. "Try it now," said one bee.

The man turned the ignition key and the car started right up.

"Wow!" the man exclaimed, "What did you put in my gas tank?"

"BP."

Penguin Walks into a Bar

A penguin walks into a bar, goes to the counter, and asks the bartender, "Have you seen my brother?"

The bartender says, "I don't know. What does he look like?"

Weather Predictions

A Midwest farmer was describing his lifestyle to a touring group of city folks. "One of the benefits of this profession," he explained, "is that we have built-in weather predictions."

"What do you mean by that?" asked one inquisitive visitor.

"When the cows are standing," the farmer explained, "it means no rain is likely for the next twenty-four hours. When they're lying down, it means it's going to rain."

"On our bus trip," another visitor piped in, "I saw half the herd standing and the other half lying down. What does that mean?"

The farmer flashed a smile and answered, "That means half of them are wrong."

Zebra Arrives on a Farm

A Zebra arrives on a farm. The first animal she meets is a cow. "Whats your job?" she asks.

"My job is to give milk," the cow replies.

The next animal she meets is a chicken. "Whats your job," she asks.

"My job is to lay eggs," the chicken answers.

The third animal she meets is a stallion. "Whats your job?" she asks.

The stallion replies, "Just take off those stripy pyjamas and I'll show you."

Three Dogs at the Veterinarian's

Three dogs were sitting in the waiting room at the veterinarian's. One of the dogs was hanging its head and sighing.

The second dog turned to him and asked, "What are you in here for, buddy?"

"I'm in big trouble," he said. "My owner has a really nice sports car with leather seats. I just love to go for rides in it. Well, the other day, he took me for a ride and I was so excited, I peed on the seats. Now he's having me put to sleep."

"I know how you feel," said the second dog. "My owners have a beautiful, expensive oriental rug. The other day they were late getting home from work and I just couldn't help myself--I crapped all over their nice carpet and ruined it. They're having me put to sleep, too."

Both dogs turned to the third dog in the waiting room. "So what are you in here for?" they asked.

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Poisonous

Baby snake: Mommy, are we poisonous?

Mother snake: Yes honey, but why do you want to know?

Baby snake: Well, I just bit my tongue...

Two Cows

Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning."

"I don't believe you," says Dolly.

"It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.

Get On the Ball

Once there was a golfer whose drive landed on an anthill. Rather than move the ball, he decided to hit it where it lay. He gave a mighty swing. Clouds of dirt and sand and ants exploded from the spot. Everything but the golfball. It sat in the same spot.

So he lined up and tried another shot. Clouds of dirt and sand and ants went flying again. The golf ball didn't even wiggle.

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Animal Sounds

A group of young children were siting in a circle with their teacher. She was going around in turn asking them all questions.

"Davy, what noise does a cow make?"

"It goes moo."

"Alice, what noise does a cat make?"

"It goes meow."

"Jamie, what sound does a lamb make?"

"It goes baaa."
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Talking Centipede

A guy sees an advertisement in a pet-shop window: "Talking Centipede $100."

The guy goes in and buys it. He gets home, opens the box and asks the centipede if he wants to go for a beer.

The centipede doesn't answer, so the guy closes the lid, convinced he's been swindled. Thirty minutes later he decides to try again.

He raises his voice and shouts, "Do you want to go for a beer?"

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Whales Communicate

An expert on whales was telling friends about some of the unusual findings he had made. "For instance," he said, "some whales can communicate at a distance of 300 miles."

"What on earth would one whale say to another 300 miles away?" asked a sarcastic member of the group.

"I'm not absolutely sure," answered the expert, "but it sounds something like this: 'He-e-e-e-y! Can you hear me now?'"

Old Snake Goes to See His Doctor

An old snake goes to see his Doctor. "Doc, I need something for my eyes...can't see well these days."

The Doc fixes him up with a pair of glasses and tells him to return in 2 weeks.

The snake comes back in 2 weeks and tells the doctor he's very depressed.

Doc says, "What's the problem...didn't the glasses help you?"

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Dog Owners

Two male dog owners are bragging about how wonderful their respective hounds are.

First dog owner says, "My dog is so clever that he waits by the front door every morning for the delivery boy to put the newspaper through the letterbox and then bring it to me in the kitchen to read whilst I eat breakfast."

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The Elephant and the Ant

One day, while an elephant was walking through the woods, she got a thorn stuck in her foot. She saw an ant passing and asked him to help her get the thorn out.

The ant asked, "What do I get in return?"

The elephant replied, "If you get it out, I'll have sex with you."

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Two Cows

There were two cows in a paddock, enjoying the sun and eating some grass.

The first cow said "Moo".
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Doberman's Death

A highly timid little man, ventured into a biker bar in the Bronx and clearing his throat asked, "Um, err, which of you gentlemen owns the Doberman tied outside to the parking meter?"

A giant of a man, wearing biker leathers, his body hair growing out through the seams, turned slowly on his stool, looked down at the quivering little man and said, "It's my dog. Why?"

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