Real Hell

A fellow dies, goes to hell, and is surprised when confronted by a room full of beautiful blondes and kegs of beer. He asks a nearby demon if this is really hell, and what was so bad about the place.
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One Day in the Garden of Eden...

One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God, "Lord, I have a problem!"

"What's the problem, Eve?"

"Lord, I know you've created me and have provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, and that hilarious comedy snake, but I'm just not happy."
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Fence

Did you know that heaven and hell are actually right next to each other? They are separated by a big chain-link fence. Well, one day hell was having a big party and it got a little out of hand. God heard the ruckus and arrived to find his fence completely smashed by the wild partiers. He called the devil over and said

"Look, Satan, you have to rebuild this fence." Satan agreed.

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Elderly Couple Were Killed in an Accident...

An elderly couple were killed in an accident and found themselves being given a tour of heaven by Saint Peter.

"Here is your ocean-side condo, over there are the tennis courts, swimming pool, and two golf courses. If you need any refreshments, just stop by any of the many bars located throughout the area."

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Three Buddies Die in a Car Crash

Three buddies die in a car crash, and they go to heaven to an orientation.

They are all asked, "When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you?"

The first guy says, "I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man."
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What Can I Get for a Rib?

After God created Adam, and Adam had been in the Garden for a really long time, he started to get a little lonely. So, Adam went to God and said, "This Garden is amazing, but I'm starting to get a little lonely; is there anyone that you can send to keep me company?"

God answered, "I have the perfect person. She will help you with almost everything. She'll clean, cook, wash you clothes, be your friend, and even rub your feet after a long day. She really is perfect in every way!"
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Nuns at the Gates of Heaven

Four nuns arrived at the gates of heaven. St. Peter makes the inspection.

The first one says: "I have to confess, I held mans penis in one hand."

St. Peter says: "You see the bowl of holy water, wash your hand and go in."
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Don't Take the Lord’s Name in Vain

When the old golfer died, Peter met him at the gates of heaven.

“Sorry, old man,” Peter said, “But I can’t let you in. You see the big book here says you committed one unpardonable sin back in 1978 — You took the Lord’s name in vain during a golf game.”
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The Deserved Reward

Three men died and stood in front of God.

God asked the first if he had been faithful to his wife. He admitted to two affairs during his marriage. God gave him a compact car to drive in heaven.

The second man admitted to only one affair and was given a midsize car.
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Bill Gates in Purgatory

Bill Gates died in a car accident. He found himself in Purgatory being sized up by God “Well, Bill, I’m really confused on this call. I’m not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you enormously helped society by putting a computer in almost every home in the world and yet you created that ghastly Windows 95. I’m going to do something I’ve never done before. In your case, I’m going to let you decide where you want to go!”

Bill replied, “Well, thanks, God. What’s the difference between the two?”
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Where Do You Expect to Find a Lawyer?

The gate breaks down between heaven and hell. St. Peter comes to examine the damage, and then he calls the devil.

"That darn gate broke again," hesays. "It's your turn to fix it."
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Three Nurses at the Pearly Gates

Three nurses arrive at the pearly gates. St. Peter asks the first why he should admit her.

She replies that she has been an emergency room nurse and has saved thousands and thousands of lives.

"OK", he says, "Come on in!"
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Meals on Wheels

A cat dies and goes to Heaven.

God meets him at the gate and says: "You have been a good cat all these years. Anything you desire, all you have to do is ask."

The cat says,"Well, I lived all my life with a poor family on a farm and had to sleep on hardwood floors."
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