Ground Sirloin

It's a summer holiday weekend and a man walks into a butcher shop that has a sign in the window saying "Ground Sirloin: 29 cents per pound."

The man says, "I'm having a cookout this weekend. I'd like 5 pounds of your ground sirloin, please."

The butcher shakes his head and says, "Sorry. I'm all out."

The man, disappointed goes down the street to another butcher shop and asks, "How much is your ground sirloin?"

The proprietor replies, "It's $3.29 per pound."

"Three twenty nine!?!" exclaimed the customer. "Just up the street he sells it for 29 cents!"

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Selling a Bicycle

A salesman was trying to talk a farmer into buying a bicycle, but was meeting with considerable sales resistance.

"Shucks, I'd sooner spend my money on a cow," said the farmer.

"Ah," replied the salesman, "but think how silly you'd look riding around on a cow."

"Humph!" retorted the farmer. "Not near as silly as I'd look trying to milk a bicycle!"

A Week Off

Two women were comparing notes on the difficulties of running a small business.

"I started a new practice last year," the first one said. "I insist that each of my employees take at least a week off every three months."

"Why in the world would you do that?" the other asked.

She responded, "It's the best way I know of to learn which ones I can do without."

Debtors and Creditors

"What is a debtor, Pa?"

"A man who owes money."

"And what is a creditor?"

"The man who thinks he is going to get it."

Loan

A man went into a bank and almost on hands and knees, begged for a loan. He needed the money desperately to feed his family. The banker okayed the loan and in no time at all handed the borrower a check in the amount of the loan. The banker said, "I'd suggest you go right out and buy some food."

The borrower looked at the banker indignantly and answered, "Don't tell me what to do with my money!"

Selling Assholes

Two businessmen were taking a break while setting up their soon-to-open store's shelving units. There they sat, in the middle of nothing but empty shelves. One said, "I bet any minute now some smart aleck will stick his head in the door and ask what we're selling."

Within minutes, a man did just that, "Hey, boys, whacha sellin'?"

One businessmen responded sarcastically, "We're selling assholes."

Without missing a beat, the man rejoined, "Looks like business is good; ya only got two left!"

Three for a Dollar

A grocer put up a sign that read "Eggplants, 25¢ each - three for a dollar."

All day long, customers came in exclaiming: "Don't be ridiculous! I should get four for a dollar!"

Meekly the grocer capitulated and packaged four eggplants. The tailor next door had been watching these antics and finally asked the grocer, "Aren't you going to fix the mistake on your sign?"

"What mistake?" the grocer asked. "Before I put up that sign no one ever bought more than one eggplant."

Manager on a Farm

The manager of a large corporation got a heart attack, and the doctor told him to go for several weeks to a farm to relax. The guy went to a farm, and after a couple of days he was very bored, so he asked the farmer to give him some job to do.

The farmer told him to clean the poop of the cows. The farmer thought that to somebody coming from the city, working the whole life sitting in an office, it will take over a week to finish the job, but for his surprise the manager finished the job in less than one day.
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Expensive Monkeys

A tourist walked into a pet shop and was looking at the animals on display. While he was there, another customer walked in and went over to a cage at the side of the shop and took out a monkey.
He fit a collar and leash, handed it to the customer, saying, "That'll be $5000." The customer paid and walked out with his monkey.

Startled, the tourist went over to the shopkeeper and said, "That was a very expensive monkey. Most of them are only a few hundred dollars. Why did it cost so much?"

The shopkeeper answered, "Ah, that monkey can program in C - very fast, tight code, no bugs, well worth the money."

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Chopsticks

A man having lunch at a Chinese restaurant noticed that the table had been set with forks, not chopsticks. He asked why. The waiter said "Chopsticks are provided only on request."

"But," the man countered, "if you gave your patrons chopsticks, you wouldn't have to pay someone to wash all the forks."

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Consultant

Once upon a time there was a shepherd looking after his sheep on the edge of a desert road. Suddenly a brand new Jeep Cherokee screeches to a halt next to him. The driver a young, a man dressed in a Brioni suit, Ceruti shoes, Ray-Ban sunglasses and a YSL tie, gets out and asks the shepherd, "If I guess how many sheep you have, would you give me one of them?"

The shepherd looks at the young man, then looks at the sheep, "All right."

The young man parks the car, connects his notebook to his cell phone, enters a NASA site, scans the ground using his GPS, opens a database and 60 Excel tables filled with algorithms, then prints out a 150-page report on his high-tech mini-printer.

"You have exactly 1,586 sheep," he declares.

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Good Customer

A little old lady sold pretzels on a street corner. The price of a pretzel was 25 cents.

Every day a young man would leave his office building at lunch time and, as he passed her pretzel stand, he would leave her a quarter, but would never take a pretzel.

This went on for more than five years. The two of them never spoke.
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Feeding Pigs

There was a farmer who had a herd of pigs. One day someone went to the farm and asked the farmer: "What do you use to feed your pigs?"

"Well, I give them acorn, corn, and things like that. Why?"

"Because I am from the Animals Protection Association and I think you don't feed them like you should, they shouldn't eat wastes."
Then he fined the farmer.

Some days later, another person arrived and asked the same question. The farmer answered: "Well, I feed them very well. I give them salmon, caviar, shrimp, steak...why?"

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Competition

The shopkeeper was dismayed when a brand new business much like his own opened up next door and erected a huge sign which read 'BEST DEALS'. He was horrified when another competitor opened up on his right, and announced its arrival with an even larger sign, reading 'LOWEST PRICES'. The shopkeeper was panicked, until he got an idea.

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Man Was Being Interviewed for a Job...

A man was being interviewed for a job.

"Were you in the service?" ask the interviewer.

"Yes, I was a marine," responded the applicant.

"Did you see any active duty?"

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Fortune

Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business. When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a wife with which to share his fortune. One evening at an investment meeting he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away. 'I may look like just an ordinary man,' he said to her, but in just a few years, my father will die, and I'll inherit $65 million.'
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Small Business

Fresh out of business school, the young man answered a want ad for an accountant. Now he was being interviewed by a very nervous man who ran a small business that he had started himself.

"I need someone with an accounting degree," the man said. "But mainly, I'm looking for someone to do my worrying for me."

"Excuse me?" the accountant said.
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Hardly Worth Going Home

Minutes before the cremation, the undertaker quietly sat down next to the grieving widow.

"How old was your husband?" he asked.

"He was ninety-eight," she answered softly. "Two years oder than I am."
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Working Like a Dog

It had taken him several months, but the executive vice president had finally persuaded his new secretary to bend over the back of his leather couch and allow him to have sex with her that way.

"And just where have you been until this hour?" demanded his wife, when the wayward husband finally arrived home.
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Deaf Mafioso and Interpreter

The Mafia was looking for a new man to make weekly collections from all the private businesses that they were 'protecting.' Feeling the heat from the police force, they decide to use a deaf person for this job, figuring if he were to get caught, he wouldn't be able to communicate to the police what he was doing.

In his first week, the deaf collector picks up more than $40,000. He gets greedy, decides to keep the money, and stashes it in a safe place.
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