Farmer and His Wife

A farmer and his wife were laying in bed one night, the farmer feeling a little frisky, reaches over and gives his wife's breast a little feel and says, "Mother, if this could give milk, we could get rid of the cow."

His hand then travels down to her crotch, and he says, "Mother, if this could give eggs, we could get rid of the chickens."

His wife then reaches over and grabs his penis. "Father, if this could stay hard, we could get rid of your brother."

Find the Andes

A little boy was doing his homework one evening and turned to his father and said, "Dad, where would I find the Andes?"

"Don't ask me," said the father. "Ask your mother. She puts everything away in the house."

Undersized Shoes

A guy walks into a shoe store and asks for a pair of size 8 tie shoes. The salesman says, "But, sir, I can see from up here you're at least a size 11."

The guy says, "Just bring me a size 8 tie shoe."

The salesman brings them, the guy stuffs his feet into them, ties them tight, and then he stands up, obviously in pain. The salesman just has to ask, "Sir, why must you have these undersized shoes?"

He says to the salesman, "I lost my business and my house, I live with my mother-in-law, my wife is having an affair with my best friend and my daughter is pregnant. The only pleasure I have in life is taking off these damn shoes."

Tornado

A tornado hit a farmhouse just before dawn. It lifted the roof off, picked up the beds on which the farmer and his wife slept, and set them down gently in the next county. The wife began to cry.

"Don't be scared, Susan," her husband said. "We are not hurt."

Susan continued to cry. "I'm not scared," she said between sobs. "I'm happy because this is the first time in 15 years we've been out together."

Too Old

The new bride went crying to her mother. "Momma, I can't get my husband to do anything. I want him to fix up the house, but he keeps putting it off."

"Honey," her mother replied, "after being married to your father for thirty-eight years, I've found the only way to get him to do anything is to tell him he's too old to do it."

Graduation

Son: Dad, I just graduated and I got my B.A.

Mom: I suppose now you'll be trying for a Ph.D?

Pop: No, he's going to be trying for a J.O.B.

Family Problems

Two men, one American and an Indian were sitting in a bar drinking shot after shot.

The Indian man said to the American, "You know my parents are forcing me to get married to this so called homely girl from a village whom I haven't even met once. We call this arranged marriage. I don't want to marry a woman whom I don't love... I told them that openly and now have a hell lot of family problems."

The American said, "Talking about love marriages... I'll tell you my story. I married a widow whom I deeply loved and dated for 3 years. After a couple of years, my father fell in love with my step-daughter and so my father became my son-in-law and I became my father's father-in-law. My daughter is my mother and my wife my grandmother.

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The Master of the House

A solicitor for the Red Cross called upon a well-to-do young couple for a donation. Hearing a commotion inside he knocked extra-loudly on the door.

A somewhat disheveled man admitted him in. "What can I do for you?" he growled, clearly upset about something.

"I would like to speak to the master of the house," said the solicitor politely.

"Then you're just in time," barked the young man. "My wife and I are settling that very question right now!"

Fewer Calories

A husband took his young daughter to the grocery store with him. In addition to the healthful items on the carefully prepared shopping list, they returned with a box of sugar-laden cookies.

The man noticed the glare of his wife and said, "This box of cookies has one-third fewer calories than usual."

"Why is that?" the mother asked.

"We ate a third of the cookies on the way home," he replied.

Do You Have a Pussy?

A woman is alone at home when she hears someone knock at the door. She goes to the door and opens the door to see a man standing there.

He asks the lady, "Do you have a pussy?"

She slams the door in disgust.

The next morning she hears a knock at the door, it is the same man, and he asks the same question: "Do you have a pussy?" She slams the door again.

Later that night when her husband gets home, she tells him what has happened for the last two days. The husband tells the wife in a loving and concerned voice, "Honey, I am taking tomorrow off to be home just in case this guy shows up again".
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Winning the Lottery

A married couple was having a conversation. The husband asked his wife: "If I ever win the lottery, what would you do?"

The wife's respond was: "I would take half and leave you!"

The husband said: "Well, your in luck - I won the lottery! So, here's $6 and get outta here!"

Present

An American woman goes to England to attend a 2-week company training session. Her husband drives her to the airport and wishes her to have a good trip.

The wife answers, "Thank you honey, what would you like me to bring for you?"

The husband laughs and says, "An English girl."

The woman kept quiet and left. Two weeks later he picks her up in the airport and asks, "So, honey, how was the trip?"

"Very good, thank you."

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Brown-skinned Baby

A nurse brought a beautiful brown-skinned baby into the waiting room and asked the only man pacing, "Is this yours?"

The man said, "It must be. My wife burns everything!"

Getting Married

One Sunday morning William burst into the living room and said, "Dad! Mom! I have some great news for you! I am getting married to the most beautiful girl in town. She lives a block away and her name is Susan.

After dinner, William's dad took him aside. "Son, I have to talk with you. Your mother and I have been married 30 years. She's a wonderful wife but she has never offered much excitement in the bedroom, so I used to fool around with women a lot. Susan is actually your half-sister, and I'm afraid you can't marry her."

William was heart-broken. After eight months he eventually started dating girls again. A year later he came home and very proudly announced, "Diane said yes! We're getting married in June."
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Looking Through the Family Album

A young boy was looking through the family album and asked his mother,

"Who's this guy on the beach with you, with all the muscles and curly hair?"

"That's your father," said the mother.

The boy seemed astonished as he said to his mom, "Then who's that old bald-headed fat man that lives with us now?"

Happiest Hour

During their silver anniversary, a wife reminded her husband: "Do you remember when you proposed to me, I was so overwhelmed that I didn't talk for an hour?"

The husband replied: "Yes, honey, that was the happiest hour of my life."

A Boy Goes to a Strip Club

A boy goes to a strip club.

His mum gets angry and asks him: "Did you see anything there that you were not supposed to see?"

Boy: "Yes, I saw dad."

New Recruit

As the family gathered for a big dinner together, the youngest son announced that he had just signed up at an army recruiter's office.

There were audible gasps around the table, then some laughter, as his older brothers shared their disbelief that he could handle this new situation. "Oh, come on, quit joking," snickered one. "You didn't really do that, did you?"

"You would never get through basic training," scoffed another.

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Indian Boy

With a puzzled look on his face, an Indian boy asked, "Say, mom, why is my bigger brother named Mighty Storm??"

She told him, "Because he was conceived during a mighty storm."

Then he asked, "Why is my sister named Cornflower?"

She replied, "Well, your father and I were in a cornfield when we made her."

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Young Boy Asked His Mother

A young boy asked his mother "Ma, is it true that people can be taken apart like machines?"

"Of course not, where did you hear such nonsense?" replied by his mother.
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