Coded Message

Last week Putin received a coded message, reportedly from Ukrainian Parliament.

It read: 370HSSV-0773H

Putin was stumped and asked his Prime minister what the message could mean. The minister was totally stumped too, so they passed it to the top russian programmers, who spent 2 days trying to decipher it. Knackered, the programmers sent it to the Secret Police.

The Director of the Police suggested Putin should turn the message upside down...

Practical Farmer

A candidate for Congress from a certain Western state was never shy about telling the voters why they should send him to Washington.

"I am a practical farmer," he said, boastfully, at one meeting. "I can plow, reap, milk cows, shoe a horse--in fact, I should like you to tell me one thing about a farm which I can not do."

Then, in the impressive silence, a voice asked from the back of the hall: "Can you lay an egg?"

Once Upon a Time

A little girl asked her father, "Daddy? Do all Fairy Tales begin with Once Upon a Time?"

He replied, "No, there is a whole series of Fairy Tales that begin with 'If elected I promise...'"

Would You Sleep with President Clinton?

In a survey of American women, when asked, "Would you sleep with President Clinton?"

86% replied, "Not again"

The Land of Oz

Dan Quayle, Newt Gingrich, and Bill Clinton are traveling in a car together in the Midwest, when suddenly a tornado comes along and whirls them up into the air and tosses them thousands of yards away. When they come down and pull themselves from the vehicle, they realize they're in the land of Oz. Naturally, they decide to go to see the Wizard of Oz.

Says Quayle, "I'm going to ask the Wizard for a brain."

Says Gingrich, "I'm going to ask the Wizard for a heart."
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Intelligent Radio

A lady bought a new Lexus. Cost a bundle. Two days later, she brought it back complaining that the radio wasn't working.

"Madam", said the sales maneger, "the audio system in this car is completly automated. All you need to do is tell it what you want to listen to and you will hear exactly that!"
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EuroEnglish

The European Commission have just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the EU rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's govt conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5 year phase in plan that would be known as "EuroEnglish".

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c".. Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favor of the "k". This should klear up konfusion and keyboards kan have 1 less letter.
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Condom Emergency

President Boris Yeltsin called Clinton with an emergency: "Our largest condom factory has exploded!" the Russian President cried.

"My people's favorite form of birth control! This is a true disaster!"

"Boris, the American people would be happy to do anything within their power to help you," replied the President.

"I do need your help," said Yeltsin. "Could you possibly send 1,000,000 condoms ASAP to tide us over?"

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America vs Russia

The Americans and Russians, at the height of the arms race, realized that if they continued in the usual manner they were going to blow up the whole world.

One day they sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with one dog fight. They'd have five years to breed the best fighting dog in the world and whichever side's dog won would be entitled to dominate the world. The losing side would have to lay down its arms.
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The Rest of the World

A worldwide survey was conducted by the UN. The only question asked was: "Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"

The survey was a huge failure...

In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.

In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.
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Successful Surgery

Three Texas plastic surgeons were playing golf together and discussing surgeries they had performed.

One of them said, "I'm the best plastic surgeon in Texas. A concert pianist lost 7 fingers in an accident, I reattached them, and 8 months later he performed a private concert for the Queen of England."
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Brazillionaire

Donald Rumsfeld is giving the president his daily briefing. He concludes by saying: "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed in an accident."

"Oh No!" the President exclaims. "That's terrible!"

His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the president sits, head in hands.

Finally, the President looks up and asks...

"How many is a Brazillion?!"