Envelope

A man commits suicide. In one of his pockets, the police find an envelope.

Inside the envelope is a note that reads: "What are you looking in here for?"

Fellow Bought a New Mercedes

A fellow bought a new Mercedes and was out on an interstate road for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80mph, he suddenly saw a flashing red and blue light behind him.

"There ain't no way they can catch a Mercedes," he thought to himself, and opened her up further.

The needle hit 90, 100, 110 and finally 120 with the lights still behind him.

"What on earth am I doing?" he thought and pulled over. The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car.
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Identified

The police have rounded up some suspects for a identification line up for a rape suspect.

When the lady walks in to pick out the suspect the guy shouts, "That's her! That's her!"

Traffic Police Stops a Car

Traffic police stops a car.

Policeman: Have you drunk vodka today?

Driver: No.
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Santa's Presents

On Christmas morning a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light, and next to him is a kid on his shiny new bike.

The cop says to the kid, "Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"

The kid says, "Yeah."

The cop says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put a tail-light on that bike."

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Recognition

Police are called to a pedestrian struck by a train. The pedestrian's body parts are strewn along the tracks for about a mile. The officers started to collect the parts in order to identify the deceased.

Eventually the head was found in a ditch beside the rails. A policeman picks it up and walks into a local bar not far from the tracks. As he walks into the bar he holds the head up high for all to see and says "Does anyone recognize this guy?"
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Police Didn't Agree

The Judge said to the defendant. "I thought I told you I never wanted to see you in here again."

"Your Honor," the criminal said, "that's what I tried to tell the police, but they wouldn't listen."

Excuse

A man in his 40s bought a new BMW and was out driving on the interstate at top speed when he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him.

"There's no way they can catch a BMW," he thought to himself and sped up even more.

Then the reality of the situation hit him, "What the heck am I doing?" he thought and pulled over.
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Dispersing a Crowd

A rookie police officer was assigned to ride in a cruiser with an experienced partner. A call came over the car's radio telling them to disperse some people who were loitering. The officers drove to the street and observed a small crowd standing on a corner. The rookie rolled down his window and said, "Let's get off the corner."

No one moved, so he barked again, "Let's get off the corner!"
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How to Stop a Running Woman

A lady was filling her tank at a gas station, smoking a cigarette, even though all the signs say not to. The fumes that came out of the gas tank ignited, severely burning her hands. But it also lit up her arm, too! Instead of rolling on the ground to put it out, she panicked. She took off running down the street. A police car was at the intersection where it happened and he tried to stop her to put out her arm, but she just kept running and screaming. All the officer could think of doing was to shoot her. This took everyone by surprise. The officer ran over to her and put the fire out, then called for an ambulance.
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Speed Trap

A man was speeding down an Alabama highway, feeling secure in a gaggle of cars all traveling at the same speed. However, as they passed a speed trap, he got nailed with an infrared speed detector and was pulled over. The officer handed him the citation, received his signature and was about to walk away when the man asked,

"Officer, I know I was speeding, but I don't think it's fair - there were plenty of other cars around me who were going just as fast, so why did I get the ticket?"
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Accident with Body Parts

A policeman is on scene at a terrible accident - body parts everywhere. He is making his notes of where the pieces are and comes across a head. He writes in his notebook: "Head on bullevard" and scratches out his spelling error. "Head on bouelevard" Nope, doesn't look right - scratch scratch. "Head on boolevard..." dang it! Scratch scratch.
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Looking For Dirty Criminals

When the school was broken into, the thieves took absolutely everything - desks, books, blackboards, everything apart from the soap in the lavatories and all the towels.

The police are looking for a pair of dirty criminals.

Searching High and Low

Newsflash: Two criminals have escaped from prison today. One is orange and 9ft tall, and the other green and yellow and 2ft Gin tall.

The police are searching high and low for them.

The Defense Attorney

A defense attorney was cross-examining a police officer during a felony trial-it went like this:
Q: Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?
A: No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender running several blocks away.

Q: Officer, who provided this description?
A: The officer who responded to the scene.
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The Decoy

One night a police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible DUI violations. At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb and try his keys on five different cars before he found his. The man sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes.
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Lucid Explanation

A motorcycle cop had just pulled over a red Porsche after it had run a stop sign.

"May I see your driver's license and registration please?

"What's the problem, officer?"

"You just ran that stop sign back there."
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Tips

A policeman had a perfect spot to watch for speeders, but was not getting many. Then, he discovered the problem; a 10 year old boy was standing up the road with a hand painted sign which read, "SPEED TRAP AHEAD".

The officer then found a young accomplice down the road with sign painted "TIPS" and a bucket of change.

Funny Robbery

A thief burst into a Florida bank one day wearing a ski mask and carrying a gun. Aiming his gun at the guard, the thief yelled, "FREEZE, MOTHER-STICKERS, THIS IS A Fuck-UP!"

For a moment, everyone was silent. Then the snickers started. The guard completely lost it and doubled over laughing. It probably saved his life, because he'd been about to draw his gun. He couldn't have drawn and fired before the thief got him. The thief ran away and is still at large.
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Accidental Robbery

A man goes to a party and has too much to drink. His friends plead with him to let them take him home. He says no - he only lives a mile away. About five blocks from party the police pull him over for weaving and ask him to get out of the car and walk the line. Just as he starts, the police radio blares out a notice of a robbery taking place in a house just a block away. The police tell the party animal to stay put, they will be right back - and they run down the street to the robbery.

The guy waits and waits and finally decides to drive home. When he gets there, he tells his wife he is going to bed, and to tell anyone who might come looking for him that he has the flu and has been in bed all day.

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