Radical Feminist

A radical feminist is getting on a bus when, just in front of her, a man gets up from his seat.

She thinks to herself, "Here's another man trying to keep up the customs of a patriarchal society by offering a poor, defenseless woman his seat," so she pushes him back onto the seat.

A few minutes later, the man tries to get up again. She is still insulted so she refuses to let him up again.

Finally, the man says, "Look, lady, you've got to let me get up. I'm twelve blocks past my stop already."

The Postman

Three women were sitting around throwing back a few drinks and talking about their love lives.

One woman said, "I call my husband the dentist. Nobody can drill like he does."

The second woman giggled and confessed, "I call my husband the miner because of his incredible shaft."

The third woman quietly sipped her whiskey until her friend asked, "Say, what do you call your husband?"

She frowned and said, "The postman."

"Why the postman?"

"Because he always delivers late, and half the time it's in the wrong box."

Happy Woman

A woman in her late thirties is at home happily jumping unclothed, on her bed and squealing with delight.

Her husband watches her for a while and asks, "Do you have any idea how ridiculous you look? What's the matter with you?"

The woman continues to bounce on the bed and says, "I don't care what you think. I just came from having a mammogram and the doctor says that not only am I healthy, but I have the breasts of an 18-year-old."

The husband replies, "What did he say about your 42-year old arse?"

"Your name never came up," she replied.

Boxers and Their Wives

While reading a newspaper, Walter came across an article about a beautiful actress and model who married a boxer who was noted for his IQ.

"I'll never understand," he said to his wife, "why the biggest jerks get the most attractive wives."

His wife replied, "Why, thank you, dear."

Gray Hairs

Jessica was toweling off in front of the mirror when she noticed a few gray pubic hairs.

She bent down and said to her privates... "I know you haven't been getting much lately... but I didn't know you were so worried about it!"

Three Women to Marry

A man is dating three women and wants to decide which to marry. He decides to give them a test. He gives each woman a present of $5000 and waits to see what they do with the money. The first does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new make up and buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much. The man was impressed.

The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much. Again, the man is impressed.
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Unusual Tattoos

A woman goes into a tattoo parlor and tells the tattoo artist that she wants a tattoo of a turkey on her right thigh, right up just below her bikini line. She also wants him to put "Happy Thanksgiving" under the turkey. So the guy does it and it comes out looking real good.

The woman then instructs him to put a Santa Clause with "Merry Christmas" up on her left thigh. So the guy does it and it comes out looking good too.

As the woman is getting dressed to leave, the tattoo artist says, "If you don't mind, could you tell me why you had me put such unusual tattoos on your thighs?"
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Discussing Boyfriends

A blonde and a brunette were discussing their boyfriends.

Brunette: "Last night I had three orgasms in a row!"

Blonde: "That's nothing; last night I had over a hundred."

Brunette: "My god! I had no idea he was that good."

Blonde: (looking shocked) "Oh, you mean with one guy?"

Swimming Prohibited

A good looking woman walked into an orchard and found a lovely pool in it, and decided to go skinny-dipping. She looked around, didn't see anyone, and undressed.

Naked and just as she was about to dive in, the orchard grower appeared from behind the bush where he was hiding all along and told her that swimming was prohibited.

"You could have told me that before I undressed!" she scolded him.

He replied, "Hey! Only swimming is prohibited, undressing isn't..."

Encounter with a Cop

An Amish lady is trotting down the road in her horse and buggy when she is pulled over by a cop.

"Ma'am, I'm not going to ticket you, but I do have to issue you a warning. You have a broken reflector on your buggy."

"Oh, I'll let my husband know as soon as I get home."

"That's fine! Oh, and another thing, ma'am. It seems one of the reins has looped across the horse's back and around one of his testicles. Have your husband take care of that right away also!"

Later that day, the lady is home telling her husband about her encounter with the cop.
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Boyfriend's Furlough

The young Swedish au pair had been working for the couple for over a year. While pleasant and hardworking, the girl still struggled with the English language.

One day she informed the Lady of the House, that her boyfriend in the Army was coming for a visit.

"That's wonderful. How long is his furlough?" asked the lady.
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Women's English / Men's English

Women's English

1. Yes = No
   
2. No = Yes
   
3. Maybe = No
   
4. We need = I want
   
5. I am sorry = you'll be sorry
   
6. We need to talk = I need to complain
   
7. Sure, go ahead = I don't want you to
   
8. Do what you want = You will pay for this later
   
9. I am not upset = Of course I am upset, you moron!
   
10. Are you listening to me? = Too late, you're dead
    
11. You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me
    
12. Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs
    
13. You're so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot
    
14. Do you love me? = I am going to ask for something expensive
    
15. It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now
    
16. You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?
    
17. I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV
    
18. How much do you love me? = I did something today that you're really not going to like
    

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Keeping Secrets

At a dinner party, several of the guests were arguing whether men or women were more trustworthy. "No woman," said one man, scornfully, "can keep a secret."

"I don't know about that," answered a woman guest. "I have kept my age a secret since I was twenty-one."

"You'll let it out some day," the man insisted.
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The Worst Pain

A man and a woman were discussing the worst pain a person could possibly experience.

"Without doubt, there is nothing more painful in life than childbirth," said the woman.

"Nonsense," said the man, "a kick to the crotch is much more painful. Ask any guy."

"You're so wrong," maintained the woman, "Childbirth is far more painful."

"The man was not about to yield to her argument and announced: "I have proof that I am right."

"What proof?" she asked scornfully.
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Beef Tongue

A lady goes into the butcher shop and as she is walking around the store, she spies a beef tongue in the butcher's counter. The lady asks, "What in the world is that?"

"Beef tongue," replies the butcher.

The lady gives a little involuntary shudder, "No way would I put anything in my mouth that came out of an animal's mouth!"
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Secretary

The Boss to a lady being interviewed for the post of a Secretary:

Boss: "What is the difference between a paper clip and a screw?"

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Hello, Darling

- Hello, darling! Can you speak now?

- Yes I can.

- Then listen...

Funeral

The old man had died. A wonderful funeral was in progress and the town's preacher talked at length of the good traits of the deceased, what an honest man he was, and what a loving husband and kind father he was.

Finally, the widow leaned over and whispered to one of her children, "Go up there and take a look in the coffin and see if that's your pa."

Fortune-telling

In a dark and gloomy room, the fortune teller was startled by what she saw in her crystal ball. She looked up at her customer sitting across the table.

"There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt. Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."

Visibly shaken, the woman stared at the psychic's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands.
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Remedy

A woman goes to the doctor with a black eye, and really lookind rough.

The doc says, "What happened?"

The woman replies, "Everytime my husband goes out and gets drunk on beer he beats me when he gets home."

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