Garlic Diet

Have you heard of the garlic diet?

You don't lose much weight, but from a distance your friends think you look thinner.

Somewhat Tight Present

Lady to the doctor over the phone, "Doctor, I beg of you, please prescribe me something immediately to reduce my weight. My husband has given me a wonderful birthday present, and I can’t get into it."

Doctor: "Just come over here tomorrow, and I shall give you a prescription. Then you will soon be able to wear your wonderful new dress."
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Overweight Blonde

An overweight blonde consulted her doctor for advice.

The doctor advised that she run 10 miles a day for 30 days. This, he promised, would help her lose as much as twenty pounds.

The blonde follows the doctor`s advice and after thirty days, she was pleased to find that she`d indeed lost twenty pounds.
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Fat Man's Prayer

By Victor Buono

Lord, my soul is ripped with riot
Incited by my wicked diet.

"We are what we eat," said a wise old man,
Lord, if that's true, I'm a garbage can.
To rise on Judgment Day, it's plain,
With my present weight, I'll need a crane.
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Psalm 23 for a Rebellious Dieter

My appetite is my shepherd, I always want.
It maketh me to sit down and stuff myself.
It leadeth me to my refrigerator repeatedly,
Sometimes during the night.
It leadeth me in the path of Burger King for a Whopper.
It destroyeth my shape.
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Food Has No Calories If...

• You eat it while standing.
• In fact some research suggests it may have negative calories if you eat it while standing at the sink.
• You can't remember eating it afterward.
• You share it.
• You eat it with your fingers.

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With a Slice of Cucumber

Girl: "I'd like a triple vanilla ice cream sundae with chocolate syrup, nuts, whipped cream, topped off with a slice of cucumber."

Waiter: "Did I hear you right? Did ou say top it off with a slice of cucumber?"
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Diet vs Sex... Which Do You Prefer?

Top ten reasons why diets are better than sex.
10. You don't have to take off your clothes.
9. You can go from diet to diet without feeling guilty.
8. Celery is ALWAYS hard.
7. On a deit, you carefully consider everything you put in your mouth.
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The Genesis Diet

And God populated the earth with broccoli and cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.

And Satan created McDonald's. And McDonald's brought forth the 99-cent double-cheeseburger.

And Satan said to Man, "You want fries with that?" And Man said, "Super-size them." And Man gained pounds.
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Dieter's Quiz

If you answer "yes" to six or more of these questions, you might want to consider restricting your future calorie intake.

• Has your neighborhood grocery store ever offered to send a limo to pick you up?
• After ordering lunch at a fast food restaurant drive-through window, has it ever been delivered to your car on a hand truck?

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Diet Quotes

Eat what you like and let the food fight it out inside.
- Mark Twain

Give me a dozen heartbreaks...if you think it would help me lose one pound.
- Colette

Seize the moment. Remember all those women on the 'Titanic' who waved off the dessert cart.
- Erma Bombeck
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Diet Quips

Amazing! You just hang something in your closet for awhile and it shrinks two sizes.
- Author unknown

The older you get the harder it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat have become good friends. 
- Author unknown

I try to lose weight, but it keeps finding me.
- Author unknown
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Diet Short-Order Jokes

• Diets are for people who are thick and tired of it.
• The toughest part of a diet isn't watching what you eat. It's watching what other people eat.
• Diets are for women who not only kept their girlish figure but doubled it.
• A diet is when you have to go to some length to change your width.

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Bathroom Scale Diet Tricks

1. Weigh yourself fully clothed after dinner and again the next morning without clothes and before breakfast, because it's nice to see how much weight you've lost overnight!
2. Never weigh yourself with wet hair.
3. When weighing, remove everything, including eyeglasses. In this case, blurred vision is an asset. Don't forget to remove jewelry as it could weigh as much as a pound!

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The Toddler Miracle Diet

Faintly flabby earthlings are always on the lookout for a new diet. The trouble with most diets is that you don't get enough to eat (the starvation diet), or you don't get enough variation (the liquid diet, or you go broke (the all-meat diet).

Consequently, people tend to cheat on their diets, or quit after 3 days, or go right back to stuffing their faces after it is all over. Is there nothing you can do but give up and tell your friends you have a gland problem? Or is there slim hope?
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Stress Diet

This diet is designed to help you cope with stress, which normally builds up during the day.

Breakfast
1/2 Grapefruit
1 Slice Whole Wheat Toast, Dry
8 oz. Skim Milk
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You Know It's Time to Diet When...

You dance and it makes the band skip.

You are diagnosed with the flesh eating virus, and the doctor gives you 22 more years to live.

You put mayonnaise on an aspirin.

You go to the zoo and the elephants throw you peanuts.

Your driver's license says, "Picture continued on other side."
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Cat Miracle Diet

Most diets fail because we stubbornly continue to think and eat like humans. For those us who have never had any success dieting there is the new Miracle Cat Diet! Except for cats that eat like people - such as getting lots of table scraps - most cats are long and lean (or tiny and petite). The Cat Miracle Diet will help you achieve the same lean, svelte figure as a cat. Just follow this diet for one week and you'll find that you not only look and feel better, but you will have a whole new outlook on what constitutes food. Good Luck!
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10 Calorie Diet Plan

Monday
Breakfast: Weak Tea
Lunch: 1 Bouillon Cube in 1/2 Cup of Diluted Water
Dinner: 1 Pigeon Thigh3 oz. Apricot Nectar

Tuesday
Breakfast: Scraped Crumbs from Burnt Toast
Lunch: Donut Hole (without sugar), 1 Glass Dehydrated Water
Dinner: 2 Jellyfish Skins
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Toxic Diet

1. Slowly begin to reintroduce harmful foods. Suggestions are potato chips, pizza with extra cheese, white bread, milk, coffee or coke, milk shakes from edible oil products, fried chicken, french fries deep fried in beef fat, eggs from chemically-raised chickens, steak with barbecue sauce and a small portion of overcooked vegetables. Throw in a couple of chocolate bars to insure an optimum toxin level.
2. Eat very few raw fruits and vegetables. If you must eat vegetables, make sure the life has been cooked out of them. The best fruits are canned and preserved in sugar syrup.

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