Accident

A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both quite startled.

The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me."

She replies, "If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 1221."

Whistle

A young Japanese girl had been taught all of her life that when she married she was to please her husband and never upset him. So the first morning of her honeymoon when the young Japanese bride crawled out of the bed after making love and she stooped down to pick up her husband's clothes and she let out a big fart.

She looked up and said, "Excuse please, front hole so happy back hole whistle!

Unusual Tattoos

A woman goes into a tattoo parlor and tells the tattoo artist that she wants a tattoo of a turkey on her right thigh, right up just below her bikini line. She also wants him to put "Happy Thanksgiving" under the turkey. So the guy does it and it comes out looking real good.

The woman then instructs him to put a Santa Clause with "Merry Christmas" up on her left thigh. So the guy does it and it comes out looking good too.

As the woman is getting dressed to leave, the tattoo artist says, "If you don't mind, could you tell me why you had me put such unusual tattoos on your thighs?"
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Discussing Boyfriends

A blonde and a brunette were discussing their boyfriends.

Brunette: "Last night I had three orgasms in a row!"

Blonde: "That's nothing; last night I had over a hundred."

Brunette: "My god! I had no idea he was that good."

Blonde: (looking shocked) "Oh, you mean with one guy?"

Boyfriend's Furlough

The young Swedish au pair had been working for the couple for over a year. While pleasant and hardworking, the girl still struggled with the English language.

One day she informed the Lady of the House, that her boyfriend in the Army was coming for a visit.

"That's wonderful. How long is his furlough?" asked the lady.
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Birthrate

A little town had a high birth rate that had attracted the attention of the sociologists at the state university. They wrote a grant proposal; got a huge chunk of money; hired a few additional sociologists, anthropologist and a family planning and birth control specialist; moved to town; rented offices; set up their computers; got squared away; and began designing their questionnaires and such.
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Let's Screw Again

It's the Spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date. He's a pretty hip guy with his own car. When he goes to the front door, the girl's father answers and invites him in. Carrie's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?," he says. "That's cool" says Bobby.

Carrie's father asks Bobby what they're planning to do. Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the soda shop or a movie.

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Daddy's Thing

A small girl suddenly sees her father coming out from the bathroom, and asks the mum. "Mum, what is it the daddy has?"
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Fourteen Canaries

Three young women are at a cocktail party.

The conversation turns to their position in life, and it's clear that they're trying to one-up each other.

The first one says, "My husband is taking me to the French Riviera for two weeks on vacation," and then looks at the others with a superior demeanor.
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Great Sex Position

Q: What do you call a 6.9?
A: A great sex position fucked up by a period!

Homework

One day, when Billy came home from school, his mom asked him how his day went.
He said, "We're learning about sexual education."

She smiled, and said, "At least he's learning something usefull."

Billy went up to his room. A little later, Billy's mom went up to his room to call him down to dinner. She opens his door and sees him jerking off.
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Free Sex

A man is driving down the freeway when he sees a sign that says, "Get gas and free sex here".

So obviously the guy was interested, so he stopped, filled up went inside to pay.

"Pick a number from 1 - 10 to get free sex." said the cashier.
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Dreams

A wife woke up from her night's sleep and began recounting her dream to her husband.

"I dreamt they were auctioning off dicks in this place, "she began, "the big ones went for a tenner and the thick ones went for 20."

"How about the ones like mine?" asked her husband.
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Almighty Genie

A couple was golfing one day on a very, very exclusive golf course lined with million-dollar houses.

On the third tee, the husband said, "Honey, be very careful when you drive the ball. Don't knock out any windows. It'll cost us a fortune to fix."

The wife teed up and shanked it right through the window of the biggest house on the course.
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Escaped Prisoner

The bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?"

"OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is: put the prisoner in the prison.

And then they made love for the first time.
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Code Word

A husband and wife decided they needed to use "code" to indicate that they wanted to have sex without letting their children in on it. They decided on the word Typewriter.

One day the husband told his five year old daughter, "Go tell your mommy that daddy needs to type a letter".
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Death During Sex

Right in the middle of lovemaking, the husband dies of a heart attack. As the funeral arrangements are being made, the mortician informs the widow that he cannot get rid of her dead husband's rigor mortis hard-on which is sticking straight up in the air and if they don't do something, it will look odd in the coffin at the funeral.
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Sperm Bank Robbery

A man wearing a balaclava bursts into a sperm bank with a shot gun.
"Open the fucking safe!" he yells at the girl behind the counter.

"But we're not a real bank" replies the girl. "This is a sperm bank, we don't hold money".
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Gorilla

A man and his wife were spending the day at the zoo. She was wearing a loose-fitting pink dress, sleeveless with straps. He was wearing his usual jeans and t-shirt.

As they walked through the ape exhibit, they passed in front of a large, silverback gorilla. Noticing the wife, the gorilla immediately went crazy. He jumped on the bars and, holding on with one hand and 2 feet, he grunted and pounded his chest with his free hand. He was obviously very excited by the pretty lady in the pink dress.
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The Best Friend

A guy walked into a bar and ordered a triple scotch. The bartender poured him the drink and the guy drank it down in one gulp.

"Wow," said the bartender. "Something bad musta happened."

"I came home early today," answered the guy. "I went up to the bedroom, and there was my wife having sex with my best friend."
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