Haircut

Boss: You got your hair cut on company time.
Susie: It grew on company time.
Boss: Not all that hair.
Susie: I didn't get it all cut.

Made in the 70s

Q: How can you tell if a porno was made in the 70s?

A: Even the guys' penises have sideburns.

Tenses

Teacher: Today, we're going to talk about the tenses. Now, if I say "I am beautiful", which tense is it?
Student: Obviously it is the past tense.

Penguin Walks into a Bar

A penguin walks into a bar, goes to the counter, and asks the bartender, "Have you seen my brother?"

The bartender says, "I don't know. What does he look like?"

Buying Condoms

A young man is buying some condoms. The cashier asks him, "Would you like a bag with those?"

"No," he replies, "she's not that ugly."

Flu

The patient sat there looking ill and asked, "Flu?"

The doctor replied, "No, I came on my bicycle actually!"

Stay on the Horse

A racehorse owner was furious with his jockey after the horse he rode came in dead last.

"Could you not have raced any faster?" he raged.

"Sure I could have," replied the jockey, "but you know we are supposed to stay on the horse."

Getting Old

How do you know your wife is getting old?

When you say to her, "Let's go upstairs and have sex" and she says "I can't do both."

Gray Hairs

Jessica was toweling off in front of the mirror when she noticed a few gray pubic hairs.

She bent down and said to her privates... "I know you haven't been getting much lately... but I didn't know you were so worried about it!"

Poisonous

Baby snake: Mommy, are we poisonous?

Mother snake: Yes honey, but why do you want to know?

Baby snake: Well, I just bit my tongue...

Brown-skinned Baby

A nurse brought a beautiful brown-skinned baby into the waiting room and asked the only man pacing, "Is this yours?"

The man said, "It must be. My wife burns everything!"

Two Cows

Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning."

"I don't believe you," says Dolly.

"It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.

Split Personality

Doctor: Mr.Townsend, I think you're suffering from a split personality.

Mr.Townsend: No, we're not.

Garlic Diet

Have you heard of the garlic diet?

You don't lose much weight, but from a distance your friends think you look thinner.

Run Over

Oh my gosh, did you get the license number of the woman who ran you over?"

"No, but I'd recognize that laugh anywhere."

Different Position

Husband: Shall we try a different position tonight?

Wife: That's a good idea... you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart.

The Difference Between a Marriage and Your Job

Whats the difference between a marriage and your job?

After 5 years your job still sucks.

The Most Insensitive Part of a Penis

Q. What is the most insensitive part of a penis?

A. The man.

Wonder Bra

Q. Do you know why they call it the Wonder Bra?

A. When you take it off you wonder where her tits went.

Drinking Problem

You know you have a drinking problem when the bartender knows your name… and you’ve never been to that bar before.