Bad News and Good News

A doctor just finishes his check-up with a man.

Dr: I've got good new and bad news. Which do you want to hear first?

Patient: I guess the bad news.

Dr: Well, you only have about 3 months to live and there's nothing else we can do. I'm sorry.

Patient: (starts crying)

Dr: Now, now... I know you're upset... but remember, I also said there was good news.

Patient: Yes, I need some good news... what is it?

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Flu

The patient sat there looking ill and asked, "Flu?"

The doctor replied, "No, I came on my bicycle actually!"

Very Simple Operation

A man was seen fleeing down the hall of the hospital just before his operation.

"What's the matter?" he was asked.

He said, "I heard the nurse say, 'It's a very simple operation, don't worry, I'm sure it will be all right.'"

"She was just trying to comfort you, what's so frightening about that?"

"She wasn't talking to me. She was talking to the doctor."

Nurse

The nurse was walking down the hospital corridor when her supervisor spotted her. The supervisor couldn't believe it: The nurse's hair was unkempt, her dress wrinkled, and to top off her overall dishevelment, one of her breasts was hanging out of the open front of her uniform!

"Miss Jennings! How can you account for parading around the hospital not only looking like a derelict, but with your breast exposed!"

"Oh," said the nurse, as she stuffed her breast into her uniform, "It's those darn interns! They never put anything back when they're through using it!"

Like a Dill Pickle

Two gynecologists meet at lunch.

The first one says, "I had a patient this morning with a clit like a dill pickle.

The second one says, "That big or that green?"

The  first one says,"That Sour."

Like a Melon

During an international gynecology conference, an English doctor and a French doctor were discussing unusual cases they had treated recently.

"Only last week," the Frenchman said, "a woman came to see me with a clitoris like a melon!"

"Don't be absurd," the Brit exclaimed. "It couldn't have been that big -- she wouldn't have been able to walk if it were."

"Aah, you English, always thinking about size," replied the Frenchman. "I was talking about the flavor!"

Split Personality

Doctor: Mr.Townsend, I think you're suffering from a split personality.

Mr.Townsend: No, we're not.

Ninety

Doctor: Dont worry your health is fine. You'll live to be ninety.

Patient: But, doctor, I already ninety years old right now.

Doctor: See, what did I tell you.

Eye Checking

Patient: Why are you checking my eyes while its my foot which is injured?

Doctor: I wanted to know what happened to your eyes when you left your foot inside the gutter.

Three Vaginas

A woman goes to a doctors and says, "Doctor, I've got a problem. You see, I was born with 3 vaginas. What can you do for me?"

The doctor gets the woman onto the table and examines her. Sure enough, she has three vaginas, side by side.

After a moments thought the doctor goes to his desk, opens a draw and gets out a roll of duct tape. He then proceeds to tear off two strips and places them over the woman's two outer vaginas.

"Ok then," says the doctor when he's finished, "you can get dressed and go now."

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Have You Had This Before

Doctor: Have you had this before?

Patient: Yes.

Doctor: Well, you've got it again...

Back on Feet

Patti: You were right, Doctor, when you said you'd have me on my feet and walking around in no time.

Doctor: I'm happy to hear it. When did you start walking?
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Rabinowicz Goes to the Doctor

Mr. Rabinowicz goes to the doctor for a check up.

After extensive tests the doctor tells him, "I'm afraid I have some bad news for you. You only have six months to live."

Mr. Rabinowicz is dumbstruck. After a while he replies, "That's terrible doctor. But I must admit to you that I can't afford to pay your bill."
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Benefit

A man visiting a doctor says, "Doctor I just dropped in to tell you how much I benefited from your treatment."

The doctor replied, "But you are not one of my patients."
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Beautiful Woman Goes to a Gynecologist

A beautiful, voluptuous woman goes to a gynecologist. The doctor takes one look at this woman and all his professionalism goes out the window.

Right away he tells her to undress. After she has disrobed he begins to stroke her thigh.

As he does this he says to the woman, "Do you know what I'm doing?"

"Yes," she says, "you're checking for any abrasions or dermatolegical abnormalities."
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Advantages of Mother's Milk

The medical student was asked four reasons why mother's milk was better for babies than cow's milk. This is the answer he submitted:
1. It's fresher.
2. It's cleaner.
3. The cats can't get to it.
4. It's easier to take on a picnic.
He also added:
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Bit by Bit

Prisoner: Look here, doctor! You've already removed my spleen, tonsils, adenoids, and one of my kidneys. I only came to see if you could get me out of this place!

Doctor: I am, bit by bit.

Remedy

A woman goes to the doctor with a black eye, and really lookind rough.

The doc says, "What happened?"

The woman replies, "Everytime my husband goes out and gets drunk on beer he beats me when he gets home."

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Doctor's Prescription

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office.

After the check-up, the doctor took the wife aside and said, "If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die".

1. Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast and send him off to work in a good mood.

2. At lunch time, make him a warm, nutritious meal and put him in a good frame of mind before he goes back to work.
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Bad News, Good News

Harry answers the telephone, and it's an Emergency Room doctor.
The doctor says, "Your wife was in a serious car accident, and I have bad news and good news. The bad news is she has lost all use of both arms and both legs, and
will need help eating and going to the bathroom for the rest of her life."

Harry says, "My God. What's the good news?"

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