Dog for Christmas

- Mom, can I have a dog for Christmas?

- No, you can have turkey like everyone else!

The Same Name

5-year-old Nicholas was sitting on a department store Santa's lap and told him, "My name's the same as yours."

Santa's helper blows his cover when he says, "Well, hello, Harold!"

Unusual Tattoos

A woman goes into a tattoo parlor and tells the tattoo artist that she wants a tattoo of a turkey on her right thigh, right up just below her bikini line. She also wants him to put "Happy Thanksgiving" under the turkey. So the guy does it and it comes out looking real good.

The woman then instructs him to put a Santa Clause with "Merry Christmas" up on her left thigh. So the guy does it and it comes out looking good too.

As the woman is getting dressed to leave, the tattoo artist says, "If you don't mind, could you tell me why you had me put such unusual tattoos on your thighs?"
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Christmas Gifts

It was the first day after Christmas vacation in a 3rd grade class.
The teacher told the class that each student could tell the class one thing they got for Christmas. So, the teacher calls on a girl to come up to the front of the class and tell everyone one thing she got.

"My daddy got me a Bow-Wow," she said.

The teacher tells the class that they are old enough to know the correct words for things without using nicknames. The teacher tells the girl to try again.

The girl thinks real hard..."My dad got me a dog," she said.

She sat down and a boy got up and said, "I got a choo-choo!"

The teacher scolded him and told him to try again.

The boy thought hard and said, "I got an electric train!"
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Two Prostitutes

Two prostitutes, after Christmas holidays:

- What did you ask Santa Claus to give you?

- Hundred dollars, as usual.

Short Christmas Jokes

What did Adam say on the day before Christmas?
It's Christmas, Eve!

How do you make an idiot laugh on boxing day?
Tell him a joke on Christmas Eve!

What do you have in December that you don't have in any other month?
The letter "D"!

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Short Reindeer Jokes

What do reindeer say before telling you a joke?
This one will sleigh you!

Why is a reindeer like a gossip?
Because they are both tail bearers!

Why do reindeer wear fur coats?
Because they would look silly in plastic macs!
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Ten Signs You're not Getting a Christmas Bonus

Ten signs you're not getting a Christmas bonus

1. Co-workers refer to you as "the ghost of unemployment future"
2. The last time you saw your boss was when he testified against you at the embezzlement trial
3. On your door, you find a lovely wreath of pink slips
4. What you call "my new office," everybody else calls "the supply closet"

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Ten Things to Say about Gifts You Don't Like

1. Boy, if I had not recently shot up four sizes, that would've fit.
2. It would be a shame if the garbage man ever accidentally took this from me.
3. Perfect for wearing in the basement.
4. Well, well, well...
5. I really don't deserve this.
6. Gosh, I hope this never catches fire!

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Signs You're Sick of the Holidays

Signs You're Sick of the Holidays.

1. You've got red and green bags under your eyes.
2. You're serving reindeer pot pie.
3. When you hear, "Sleigh bells ring, are you listenin'?," you scream, "No! I'm not listening!"
4. You climb on your roof and start shooting carolers with your air gun.
5. You think you hear your Christmas tree taunting you.

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Santa's Presents

On Christmas morning a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light, and next to him is a kid on his shiny new bike.

The cop says to the kid, "Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"

The kid says, "Yeah."

The cop says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put a tail-light on that bike."

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Christmas Shopping

It was Christmas and the judge was in a merry mood as he asked the prisoner, "What are you charged with?"

"Doing my Christmas shopping early", replied the defendant.

"That's no offense", said the judge. "How early were you doing this shopping?"
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Billy Gates Writes to Santa Claus

Dear Santa,

How are you doing? I hope you've had a successful year and have come up with a lot of interesting toys. It's really neat how you're able to do that year after year. I guess that's how you stay number one in the Christmas presents business.

Actually, I admire the way you run Christmas. You really have a handle on it. You find out what people want (with letters like this and having kids tell you in person), and then you make the presents and control how they are delivered. It's an impressive operation.
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Christmas Gifts

December 14, 2003
Dearest Dave,
I went to the door today, and the postman delivered a partridge in a pear tree. This was a delightful gift! I couldn't have been more surprised or pleased darling!
With truly the deepest love,
Agnes

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Christmas Letters

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 1
RE: Annual Office Christmas Party
I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols. Feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus!
A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00 p.m. Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time, however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets. This gathering is only for employees! A special announcement will be made by our CEO at that time! Merry Christmas to you and your family.
Patty

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Perfectly Frank Talk

A few days after Christmas, my six year son and I were talking. He asked, "Mom, is there a Santa Claus?"

"Well, what do you think?" I asked him.

He replied, "Well, my Playstation that I got and my gift from Santa were wrapped in the same kind of wrapping paper."
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Who's the Fourth Person?

Terri asked her Sunday School class to draw pictures of their favorite Bible stories. She was puzzled by Kyle's picture, which showed four people on an airplane, so she asked him which story it was meant to represent.

"The flight to Egypt," said Kyle.

"I see. And that must be Mary, Joseph, and Baby Jesus," Ms. Terri said. "But who's the fourth person?"
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Funny Christmas Pun

A Russian couple are walking when it begins to precipitate. The man, Rudolph tells his wife it is raining but she insists that it is snowing.

Again and again she says that it is snowing but again and again he says that it is raining.
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New Perspective on the Christmas Story

A little boy returned from Sunday School with a new perspective on the Christmas story. He had learned all about the Wise Men from the East who brought gifts to the Baby Jesus. He was so excited he just had to tell his parents: "I learned in Sunday School today all about the very first Christmas! There wasn't a Santa Claus way back then, so these three skinny guys on camels had to deliver all the toys!"
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Stamps for Christmas Cards

A woman went to the Post Office to buy stamps for her Christmas Cards. "What denomination?" asked the clerk.

"Oh, good heavens! Have we come to this?" said the woman. "Well, give me 30 Catholic, 10 Baptist ones, 20 Lutheran, and 40 Presbyterian."