Drummer

A band director was having a lot of trouble with one of his drummers. He talked and talked and talked with the drummer, but performance didn't improve.

Finally, in front of the whole orchestra, he said, "When a musician just can't handle his instrument and doesn't improve when given help, they take away the instrument, give him two sticks, and make him a drummer."

A whisper was heard from the percussion section: "And if he can't handle even that, they take away one of his sticks and make him a conductor."

Haircut

Boss: You got your hair cut on company time.
Susie: It grew on company time.
Boss: Not all that hair.
Susie: I didn't get it all cut.

Ear

Two men were working at the sawmill and one guy got too close to the saw and cut his ear off. It fell in the sawdust pit so he jumped down into the pit and was hunting around trying to find it.

The second guy saw him and hollered down, "What're you doing?"

The first man said that he had cut off his ear and was looking for it.

The second guy said, "I'll help you" and jumped in the pit. He was searching around on his hands and knees and then hollered, "I found it!"

The first guy took it and examined it closely, then said, "Keep looking. Mine had a pencil behind it."

Storms and Anchors

"Suppose," says the old salt of a sea captain, testing his new recruit, "that a sudden storm springs up on your starboard side. What would you do?"

"Throw out an anchor, sir," says the new sailor.

"And what would you do if another storm sprang up aft?"

"Throw out another anchor, sir," the raw recruit replies.

"Now," says the captain, "a storm springs up forward of the ship. What would you do this time?"

"Throw out another anchor, Captain."

"Hold on, hold on. Where are you getting all these anchors from?"

"From the same place you're getting your storms, sir," replied the new recruit.

He got to keep his job.

Going to Try

Some of the most tactful people on Earth are English. One office supervisor called a secretary in to give her the bad news that she was being fired.

He started the conversation with: "Miss Symthe, I really don't know how we're going to get along without you, but starting Monday, we're going to try."

Lumberjack

A large, well-established, Canadian lumber camp advertised that they were looking for a good lumberjack.

The very next day, a skinny little man showed up at the camp with his axe, and knocked on the head lumberjack's door. The head lumberjack took one look at the little man and told him to leave.

"Just give me a chance to show you what I can do," said the skinny man.

"Okay, see that giant redwood over there?" said the lumberjack.

"Take your axe and go cut it down."

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Ear

There where two men in a building site.

One of them said, "Can you help me find my ear?"

The other man said, "Is this it?"

The other man said, "No, mine has got a pencil behind it."

New Firefighter

A new firefighter was being trained by an old fire chief.

"How would you react if a sudden fire flared up on the front of the building?" asked the fire chief.

"Break out a fire hose and start spraying it, chief." answered the new firefighter.

"How would you react if another fire flared up in the back of the building?" asked the fire chief.

"Break out another fire hose and start spraying it, chief." answered the new firefighter.

"And if another huge fire flared up in the basement, how would you react?" asked the fire chief.

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Everybody Except Mike

The boss joined a group of his workers at the coffee urn and told a series of jokes he'd heard recently. Everybody laughed loudly. Everybody, that is, except Mike.

When he noticed that he was getting no reaction from Mike, the boss said, "What's the matter, Mike? No sense of humor?"

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Five Cannibals

Five cannibals get appointed as programmers in an IT company. During the welcoming ceremony the boss says: "You're all part of our team now. You can earn good money here, and you can go to the company canteen for something to eat. So don't trouble the other employees". The cannibals promise not to trouble the other employees.

Four weeks later the boss returns and says: "You're all working very hard, and I'm very satisfied with all of you. One of our developers has disappeared however. Do any of you know what happened to her?"

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How Long Married

A man was filling an application for a job at a local employment agency.
When he came to the question, "How long married?"

He hesitated, and then put down, "24 hours a day."

Salary Cheque

A man goes to get his salary cheque and when he opens it he discovers that his employer has overpaid him by £2000.

He decides not to tell anybody and keeps quiet.

At the end of the following month when he opens the cheque, he sees that he's been underpaid by £2000.

Fuming, he goes to have it out with his employer. "Sir, I think you've made a mistake on my cheque."

"And how do you figure that?" his employer asks.

"It seems I've been underpaid by £2000."

"So?"
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Responsibility

Employer to applicant: "In this job we need someone who is responsible."


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Apprentice

The village blacksmith finally found an apprentice willing to work hard at low pay for long hours. The blacksmith immediately began his instructions to the lad,

"When I take the shoe out of the fire, I'll lay it on the anvil; and when I nod my head, you hit it with this hammer."
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