Two Little Squirrels

Two little squirrels were walking along in the forest.

The first one spied a nut and cried out, "Oh, look! A nut!"

The second squirrel jumped on it and said, "It's my nut!"

The first squirrel said, "That's not fair! I saw it first!"

"Well, you may have seen it, but I have it," argued the second.

At that point, a lawyer squirrel came up and said, "You shouldn't quarrel. Let me resolve this dispute."

The two squirrels nodded, and the lawyer squirrel said, "Now, give me the nut."

He broke the nut in half, and handed half of the shell to each squirrel, saying, "See? It was foolish of you to fight. Now the dispute is resolved."

Then he reached over and said, "And for my fee, I'll take the meat."

Stolen Dress

"You admit having broken into the dress shop four times?" asked the judge.

"Yes," answered the suspect.

"And what did you steal?"

"A dress, Your Honor," replied the subject.
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Going to Mars

NASA was interviewing professionals to be sent to Mars. Only one could go, but with one catch: He couldn't return to earth.

The first applicant, an engineer, was asked how much he wanted to be paid for going. "One million" he answered, "because I want to donate it to M.I.T."

The next applicant, a doctor, was asked the same question. He asked for $2 million. "I want to give a million to my family," he explained, "and leave the other million for the advancement of medical research."
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Criminal Lawyer

A man walks into the local Chamber of Commerce of a small town, obviously desperate. Seeing a man at the counter, the stranger asks, "Is there a criminal lawyer in town?"

To which the man behind the counter immediately quips, "Yes, but we haven't been able to prove it yet!"

Witness

The old man was a witness in a burglary trial.

The defense lawyer asks Sam, "Did you see my client commit this burglary?"

"Yes," said Sam, "I saw him plainly take the goods."

The lawyer asks Sam again, "Sam, this happened at night. Are you sure you saw my client commit this crime?"

"Yes," says Sam, "I saw him do it."
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Some Good News, Some Bad News

A lawyer is talking to his client. He says, "I have some good news, and I have some bad news."

The client says, "I could use some good news. What is it?"

"You ex-wife is not making you pay on further inheritance."

"Great! Now what's the bad news?"
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Leafing Through the Bible

On visting a seriously ill lawyer in the hospital, his friend found him sitting up in the bed, frantically leafing through the bible.

"What are you doing?" asked the friend.

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Name, Occupation, and the Charge

At night court, a man was brought in and set before the judge.

The judge said, "State your name, occupation, and the charge."

The defendant said, "I'm Sparks, I'm an electrician, charged with battery."
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Fence

Did you know that heaven and hell are actually right next to each other? They are separated by a big chain-link fence. Well, one day hell was having a big party and it got a little out of hand. God heard the ruckus and arrived to find his fence completely smashed by the wild partiers. He called the devil over and said

"Look, Satan, you have to rebuild this fence." Satan agreed.

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Two Law Partners Go to Lunch

Two law partners leave their office and go to lunch. In the middle of lunch the junior partner slaps his forehead.

"Damn," he says. "I forgot to lock the office safe before we left."

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How to Run into a Lawyer

A man walks into a friend and sees that his friend's car is total loss and covered with leaves, grass, branches,
dirt and blood.

He asks his friend, "What's happened to your car?"

"Well," the friend responses, "I ran into a lawyer".
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Lawyers' Sandwiches

Two lawyers arrive at the pub and order a couple of drinks. They then take sandwiches from their briefcases and began to eat.

 Seeing this, the angry publican approaches them and says, 'Excuse me, but you cannot eat your own sandwiches in here!'
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Two's Company, Three's a Crowd

A lawyer and two friends, a Rabbi and a Hindu holy man, had car trouble in the countryside and asked to spend the night with a farmer.

The farmer said, "There might be a problem. You see, I only have room for two to sleep, one of you must sleep in the barn."
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Blonde Got Game

A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY. The lawyer asks the blonde if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde, who is tired, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun. He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don`t know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vise versa."

Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep.
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One Thousand Valentine Cards

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.

His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing.
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Guilty Verdict

Guilty Scene: A court room in Oklahoma where a person is on trial for murder. There is strong evidence indicating guilt; however, there is no corpse. In the defense's closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client is guilty and that it looks like he'll probably be convicted, resorts to a clever trick.

"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all," the lawyer says as he looks at his watch.
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Honest Lawyer

An investment counselor decided to go out on her own. She was shrewd and diligent, so business kept coming in, and pretty soon she realized that she needed an in-house counsel. The investment banker began to interview young lawyers.

"As I'm sure you can understand," she started off with one of the first applicants, "in a business like this, our personal integrity must be beyond question." She leaned forward. "Mr. Mayberry, are you an honest lawyer?"
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Virgin

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced from ten husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom.

"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"
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Billing

A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party.

Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice.

After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?"
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Generous Lawyer

A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.

"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"
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