Too Late

As the coffin was being lowered into the ground at a Traffic Warden's funeral, a voice from inside screams: "I'm not dead, I'm not dead. Let me out!"

The Vicar smiles, leans forward sucking air through his teeth and mutters: "Too late pal, I've already done the paperwork."

Zeus

Zeus the greek god was flying over ancient Greece when he spotted a georgeous woman naked washing herself.

He made love to her then stroked her face and told her, "In nine months you will have a child and you will call him Hercules!"

She dressed herself smiled and replied, "In nine days you will have a rash and you will call it Herpes. Now bugger off!!"

Sunday School

Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday school. Usually she slept through the class.

One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?"

When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear.

"God Almighty !" shouted Mary.

The teacher said, "Very good!" and Mary fell back to sleep.

A while later the teacher asked Mary, "Who is our Lord and Savior?", but Mary didn't even stir from her slumber.

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Temptations

An Irish priest and a Rabbi found themselves sharing a compartment on a train.

After a while, the priest opened a conversation by saying "I know that, in your religion, you're not supposed to eat pork... Have you actually ever tasted it?"

The Rabbi said, "I must tell the truth. Yes, I have, on the odd occasion."

Then the Rabbi had his turn of interrogation. He asked, "Your religion, too... I know you're suposed to be celibate. But..."
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The Last Request

Father O'Grady was saying his goodbyes to the parishioners after his Sunday morning service as he always does when Mary Clancey came up to him in tears.

"What's bothering you so, dear?" inquired Farther O'Grady.

"Oh, father, I've got terrible news," replied Mary.

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Good Lord!

A Lutheran minister is driving down to New York to see the radio show and he's stopped in Connecticut for speeding. The state trooper smells alcohol on his breath and then he sees an empty wine bottle on the floor, and he says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"

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Pope Decides to Take a Walk

One balmy evening in Rome the Pope decides to take a walk. He slips out the rear door of the Vatican and is walking through the back alleys of Rome when he sees a ten-year-old boy smoking a cigarette.

The Pope gently says to him, "Young man, you're much too young to smoke!"
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Real Hell

A fellow dies, goes to hell, and is surprised when confronted by a room full of beautiful blondes and kegs of beer. He asks a nearby demon if this is really hell, and what was so bad about the place.
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One Day in the Garden of Eden...

One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God, "Lord, I have a problem!"

"What's the problem, Eve?"

"Lord, I know you've created me and have provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, and that hilarious comedy snake, but I'm just not happy."
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Denounce the Devil

The priest was preparing a man for his long day's journey into night.

Whispering firmly, the priest said, "Denounce the Devil! Let him know how little you think of his evil!"

The dying man said nothing.

The priest repeated his order. Still the dying man said nothing.
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What's Our World Coming to...

Two Irishmen were digging a ditch directly across from a brothel. Suddenly, they saw a rabbi walk up to the front door, glance around and duck inside.

"Ah, will you look at that?" One ditch digger said. "What's our world comin' to when men of th' cloth are visitin' such places?"

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Boy and Priest

A boy finished cutting the lawn of a priest... The grass was very thick and long, and it took the boy about 4 hours to cut. He approached the Father for payment and the priest paid him $1.00.

The boy said "Thank you, virgin Father!"

The priest replied, "What did you say?"

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Don't Question God

Don't question God, as he may say, if you are so eager for answers, then please come up.

What Can I Get for a Rib?

After God created Adam, and Adam had been in the Garden for a really long time, he started to get a little lonely. So, Adam went to God and said, "This Garden is amazing, but I'm starting to get a little lonely; is there anyone that you can send to keep me company?"

God answered, "I have the perfect person. She will help you with almost everything. She'll clean, cook, wash you clothes, be your friend, and even rub your feet after a long day. She really is perfect in every way!"
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Four Catholic Ladies

Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together, discussing how important their children are. The first one tells her friends, 'My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him "Father".'

The second Catholic woman chirps, 'Well, my son is an Archbishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, "Your Grace".'
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Girl's Confession

The priest leaned closer to hear the girl's confession.

"So me and my cousin were alone in the house," she continued, "and went up to my bedroom..."

"Go on, my child," said the priest gently.

"I lay down on the bed and Joe got on top of me and put his hand on my....on my..."

"Go on."
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Hawaiian Vacation

Two priests decided to go to Hawaii on vacation.

They were determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy.

As soon as the plane landed, they headed for a store and bought shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc.
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Nuns at the Gates of Heaven

Four nuns arrived at the gates of heaven. St. Peter makes the inspection.

The first one says: "I have to confess, I held mans penis in one hand."

St. Peter says: "You see the bowl of holy water, wash your hand and go in."
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Teaching the Parrots

A lady approaches her priest and says, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."

"What do they say?" the priest inquires.

"They only know how to say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Want to have some fun?'"
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Don't Take the Lord’s Name in Vain

When the old golfer died, Peter met him at the gates of heaven.

“Sorry, old man,” Peter said, “But I can’t let you in. You see the big book here says you committed one unpardonable sin back in 1978 — You took the Lord’s name in vain during a golf game.”
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