Running Away

A man scolded his son for being so unruly and the child rebelled against his father. He got some of his clothes, his teddy bear and his piggy bank and proudly announced, "I'm running away from home!"

The father calmly decided to look at the matter logically. "What if you get hungry?" he asked.

"Then I'll come home and eat," bravely declared the child.

"And what if you run out of money?" inquired the father.

"I will come home and get some," readily replied the child.

The man then made a final attempt, "What if your clothes get dirty?"

"Then I'll come home and let mommy wash them," was the reply.

The man shook his head and exclaimed, "This kid is not running away from home, he's going off to college!"

Two Little Boys

Two little boys were arguing.

"My father is better than your father!"

"No he's not!"

"My brother is better than your brother!"

"No he's not!"

"My mother is better than your mother!"

The second boy paused. "Well I guess you've got me there. My father says the same thing."

Covered in Dirt

A little boy fellow came in from playing in the yard, covered from head to toe in dirt, and asked his mother, "Who am I?"

Thinking this was a new game she said, "I don't know! Who are you?"

"Wow!" cried the boy. "Mrs. Johnson was right! She said I was so dirty, my own mother wouldn't recognize me!"

Piece of Cake

Little Tommy had been to a birthday party at a friend's house. Knowing his sweet tooth, Tommy's mother looked straight into his eyes and said, "I hope you didn't ask for a second piece of cake."

"No, but I asked Mrs. Smith for the recipe so you could make some like it, and she gave me two more pieces without asking."

The Horn

Grandpa was driving with his 9 year old granddaughter and beeped the horn by mistake. She turned and looked at him for an explanation.

He said, "I did that by accident."

She replied, "I know that, Grandpa."

He replied, "How did you know?"

She said, "Because you didn't say, 'Idiot!' afterward."

The Law of Gravity

A school kid asks his teacher, "Is it true that the law of gravity keeps us on Earth?"

The teacher replied, "Yes."

The kid then asked, "What kept us before the law was passed?"

The Same Name

5-year-old Nicholas was sitting on a department store Santa's lap and told him, "My name's the same as yours."

Santa's helper blows his cover when he says, "Well, hello, Harold!"

Christmas Gifts

It was the first day after Christmas vacation in a 3rd grade class.
The teacher told the class that each student could tell the class one thing they got for Christmas. So, the teacher calls on a girl to come up to the front of the class and tell everyone one thing she got.

"My daddy got me a Bow-Wow," she said.

The teacher tells the class that they are old enough to know the correct words for things without using nicknames. The teacher tells the girl to try again.

The girl thinks real hard..."My dad got me a dog," she said.

She sat down and a boy got up and said, "I got a choo-choo!"

The teacher scolded him and told him to try again.

The boy thought hard and said, "I got an electric train!"
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Animal Sounds

A group of young children were siting in a circle with their teacher. She was going around in turn asking them all questions.

"Davy, what noise does a cow make?"

"It goes moo."

"Alice, what noise does a cat make?"

"It goes meow."

"Jamie, what sound does a lamb make?"

"It goes baaa."
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Now and Then

The times, they're always changing, and so is the wisdom that parents impart to their children. Here are some modern takes on old standbys:

Then: No TV until your homework is finished.
Now: No Web surfing until your homework is finished.

Then: That phone is going to become attached to your ear.
Now: If you can't reach me at the office, try the gym. Or there's always my cellphone.

Then: Eat everything on your plate.
Now: Watch your fat intake. There's heart disease in our family.
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Can't Find It

Norman was excited about his first day at school. So excited in fact, that only a few minutes after class started, he realized that he desperately needed to go to the bathroom.

So Norman raised his hand politely to ask if he could be excused.

Of course the teacher said yes, but asked Norman to be quick.

Five minutes later Norman returned, looking more desperate and embarrassed.

"I can't find it," he admitted.
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Grandpa Driving with His Granddaughter

Grandpa was driving with his 9 year old granddaughter and beeped the horn by mistake. She turned and looked at him for an explanation.

He said, "I did that by accident."

She replied, "I know that, Grandpa."

He replied, "How did you know?"
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The Body Part That Increases

The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. McNick, asked her class, "Which human body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"

No one answered until little Mary stood up, angry, and said, "You should not be asking 6th graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!" With a sneer on her face, she then sat back down.

Mrs. McNick ignored her and asked the question again, "Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"

Little Mary's mouth fell open; then she said to those around her, "Boy, is she gonna get in big trouble!"

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Little Johnny at the Circus

Little Johnny is excited because the circus has come to town and his mum has got front row tickets for him. Finally the evening comes and Little Johnny and his mum go off to the big top. Little Johnny sits there and enjoys the lions and the tigers and the jugglers and the trapeze artists, and finally out comes little Johnnys favourites, the clowns.

Johnny is loving the clowns and their humorous japes until one of the clowns comes up to him and says 'Little boy are you the front end of an ass?'

'No,' replies little Johnny.

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Daddy Hugged

The little daughter asked her mother, "How do you make a baby?"

The mother didn’t know how to react.  So she thought real hard, "Well, daddy hugged mommy really hard and 9 months later we had a baby."
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Lick That

Tommy, Johnny and Harry were standing around bullshitting about how tough their fathers were.

"My dad went 12 rounds with Mike Tyson. Lick that!" said young Harry.

"Well, my dad did two tours of Vietnam and killed 19 men... so lick that!" Tommy said.

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Introduction

The little darlings were all in their seats on the first day of school and their new teacher introduced herself. She wrote on the board that her name is Ms. Prussy and the day passed without any further incidents.

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Stupid Mistakes

Teacher: How can one person make so many stupid mistakes in one day?

Little Johnny: I get up early.

Animal Game

One day the teacher decides to play an animal game. She holds up a picture of a giraffe and asks if anyone knows what it is. No one raises his/her hand. The teacher says "See it's long neck? What animal has a long neck?"

Sally holds up her hand and asks if it is a giraffe. "Very good Sally," the teacher replies. Next she holds up a picture of a zebra.

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You Wanna Play Doctor?

Little Johnny was sitting on the bench in the park. Suzie comes along chomping on her bubblegum.

Suzie asked, "You wanna play doctor?"

Johnny replied, "No, that too old fashioned. Spit out you gum, I wanna play president."