Tuesday, December 11, 2007

Sex in Marriage

To My Dearest Wife,

During the past year, I have attempted to make love to you 365 times. I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of only once every 10 days. The following is a list of why I didn't succeed more often:
  • We will wake the kids - 54 times
  • It's too late - 15 times
  • I'm too tired - 42 times
  • It's too early - 12 times
  • It's too hot - 18 times
  • Pretending to be asleep - 31 times
  • The neighbors will hear - 9 times
  • Headache or backache - 26 times
  • Sunburn - 10 times
  • Your mother will hear us - 9 times
  • Not in the mood - 21 times
  • Watching the late show - 17 times
  • Too sore - 26 times
  • New hairdo - 6 times
  • Wrong time of the month - 14 times
  • You had to go to the bathroom - 19 times
Of the 36 times that I DID succeed, the result was not always satisfying because 6 times you just laid there, 8 times you reminded me that there was a crack in the ceiling, 4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with, 7 times I had to wake you up to tell you I was finished, and once I was afraid that I had hurt you because you started thrashing around and breathing heavy. Let's try to improve this, shall we??

Love, Your Hubby

To My Dearest Husband,

I think things are a little confused. Here are the REAL reasons you didn't get more than you did this past year:
  • Came home drunk and tried to screw the cat - 23 times
  • Did not come home at all - 36 times
  • Did not come - 21 times
  • Came too soon - 38 times
  • Went soft before you got it in - 19 times
  • Cramps in your leg - 16 times
  • Working too late - 33 times
  • You had a rash, probably from a toilet seat - 29 times
  • Caught yourself in your zipper - 15 times
  • You had a cold and your nose kept running - 21 times
  • You had burned your tongue on hot coffee - 9 times
  • You had a splinter in your finger - 11 times
  • You lost the notion after thinking about it - 42 times
  • Came in your pajamas after reading a dirty book - 16 times
The reason I laid still was because you had missed me and were screwing the sheet. You seemed to be having a good time and I didn't want to move and spoil it for you. I wasn't talking about the crack in the ceiling. What I said was, "Would you like me on my back or kneeling?" The time I was thrashing around and gasping was when you farted and I was fighting for air. Maybe you can work on your "shortcomings?"

Love, Your Wife