Sex in Marriage

To My Dearest Wife,

During the past year, I have attempted to make love to you 365 times. I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of only once every 10 days. The following is a list of why I didn't succeed more often:

• We will wake the kids - 54 times
• It's too late - 15 times
• I'm too tired - 42 times
• It's too early - 12 times
• It's too hot - 18 times
• Pretending to be asleep - 31 times
• The neighbors will hear - 9 times
• Headache or backache - 26 times
• Sunburn - 10 times
• Your mother will hear us - 9 times
• Not in the mood - 21 times
• Watching the late show - 17 times
• Too sore - 26 times
• New hairdo - 6 times
• Wrong time of the month - 14 times
• You had to go to the bathroom - 19 times

Of the 36 times that I DID succeed, the result was not always satisfying because 6 times you just laid there, 8 times you reminded me that there was a crack in the ceiling, 4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with, 7 times I had to wake you up to tell you I was finished, and once I was afraid that I had hurt you because you started thrashing around and breathing heavy. Let's try to improve this, shall we??

Love, Your Hubby

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To My Dearest Husband,

I think things are a little confused. Here are the REAL reasons you didn't get more than you did this past year:

• Came home drunk and tried to screw the cat - 23 times
• Did not come home at all - 36 times
• Did not come - 21 times
• Came too soon - 38 times
• Went soft before you got it in - 19 times
• Cramps in your leg - 16 times
• Working too late - 33 times
• You had a rash, probably from a toilet seat - 29 times
• Caught yourself in your zipper - 15 times
• You had a cold and your nose kept running - 21 times
• You had burned your tongue on hot coffee - 9 times
• You had a splinter in your finger - 11 times
• You lost the notion after thinking about it - 42 times
• Came in your pajamas after reading a dirty book - 16 times

The reason I laid still was because you had missed me and were screwing the sheet. You seemed to be having a good time and I didn't want to move and spoil it for you. I wasn't talking about the crack in the ceiling. What I said was, "Would you like me on my back or kneeling?" The time I was thrashing around and gasping was when you farted and I was fighting for air. Maybe you can work on your "shortcomings?"

Love, Your Wife