Finger For a Blond

This blonde and her boyfriend were sitting in a hot tub when the blonde said to her boyfriend, "Is it true that if you pull you finger out, I'll sink?"

Wife's Revenge

There once was an old couple who had been married for thirty years.
Every morning the old boy would wake up and give off an enormous fart, much to his long suffering wife's annoyance.
"You'll fart your guts out one of these days," she always complained.
After a particularly bad week the wife decided to have her revenge and got up early, placing some turkey giblets in the bed next to the old boy's arse.
While making breakfast downstairs she heard his usual morning fart reverberate through the floorboards followed by a scream.
Twenty minutes later a rather shaken man came downstairs.
"You was right all along Missus," the old man says, "I finally did fart my guts out, but by the grace of God, and these two fingers, I managed to push 'em back in!"

Compliment

A woman standing nude in front of a mirror says to her husband:
'I look horrible, I feel fat and ugly, pay me a compliment.'
He replies, 'Your eyesight is perfect.'

Fortune

Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business. When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a wife with which to share his fortune.
One evening at an investment meeting he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.
'I may look like just an ordinary man,' he said to her, but in just a few years, my father will die, and I'll inherit $65 million.'
Impressed, the woman obtained his business card. Three days later, she became his stepmother. Women are so much better at financial planning than men.

Husband's Dream

An older couple wake up in the morning and the husband looks over at the woman and says, 'Wow! You wouldn't believe the dream I had...'
And the woman replied, 'Yes, go on tell me.'
So the husband told her. 'I had a dream that you left me after 20 years of being married.'
So the wife says, 'Oh, it sounds more like a nightmare.'
The husband says, 'No, I am sure it was a dream'.