Monday, July 28, 2014

Bad News, Good News

Harry answers the telephone, and it's an Emergency Room doctor.
The doctor says, "Your wife was in a serious car accident, and I have bad news and good news. The bad news is she has lost all use of both arms and both legs, and
will need help eating and going to the bathroom for the rest of her life."

Harry says, "My God. What's the good news?"

Sunday, July 20, 2014

Macho Man

What is a macho man?

After getting a blow job, he asks the woman,
"Was it as good for you, as it was for me?"

Tuesday, July 1, 2014

Attention All

There was a husband and his wife sitting next to a drunk in a bar. Suddenly the drunk stands up and yells, "Attention all!!" and farts loudly.

The wife is extremely embarrassed, and the husband looks at the drunk and says, "Excuse me, you just farted before my wife."

Tuesday, June 17, 2014

Bomb

Three guys are in a Cessna. The first drops a penny out the window. The second drops a pencil and the third a bomb.
When the plane lands, the first guy goes to see where the penny landed. He sees a guy swearing and trying to get a penny out of his forehead.
The second sees a girl holding her dog who has a pencil through his head.

Monday, June 16, 2014

Name, Occupation, and the Charge

At night court, a man was brought in and set before the judge.
The judge said, "State your name, occupation, and the charge."
The defendant said, "I'm Sparks, I'm an electrician, charged with battery."
The judge winced and said, "Bailiff! Put this man in a dry cell!"

Saturday, June 14, 2014

Artificial Respiration

A Girl Scout troop leader suddenly came upon a clearing where a young couple was engaged in oral sex.

"Back ladies, back!" cried the leader. "There's a very dangerous beast out there!"

But it was too late, as several of her girls had more-or-less seen the deed happening. They asked their leader what it was the couple was doing.

Friday, June 13, 2014

Birthday Gift

A couple have not been getting along for years, so the husband thinks, "I'll buy my wife a cemetery plot for her birthday." Well, you can imagine her disappointment.

The next year, her birthday rolls around again and this time he doesn't get her anything.
She says, "Why didn't you get me a birthday present!?"
He replies, "You didn't use what I got you last year!"

Thursday, June 12, 2014

One Day in the Garden of Eden...

One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God, "Lord, I have a problem!"

"What's the problem, Eve?"

"Lord, I know you've created me and have provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, and that hilarious comedy snake, but I'm just not happy."

"Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from above.

"Lord, I am lonely. And I'm sick to death of apples."