Monday, April 24, 2017

Coffee or Tea

Customer: Waiter, is this supposed to be coffee or tea?

Waiter: What does it taste like?

Customer: It tastes like gasoline!

Waiter: Well, sir, that would be the coffee. The tea tastes like turpentine.

Friday, April 21, 2017

Made in the 70s


Q: How can you tell if a porno was made in the 70s?

A: Even the guys' penises have sideburns.

Thursday, April 20, 2017

In Fifty Years

Three elderly gentlemen were talking about what their grandchildren would be saying about them in fifty years' time.

The first said, "I would like my grandchildren to say 'He was great fun to be with.'"

"Fifty years from now," said the second, "I want mine to say 'He was a loyal and loving family man.'"

Turning to the third man, they asked him, "So what do you want them to say about you in fifty years?"

"I want them to say," the third man replied, "He looks really good for his age!"

Wednesday, April 19, 2017

A Redneck Came Home and Found His House on Fire

A redneck came home and found his house on fire, rushed next door, telephoned the fire department and shouted, "Hurry over here. My house is on fire!"

"OK," replied the fireman, "how do we get there?"

"Say, don't you still have those big red trucks?"

Tuesday, April 18, 2017

Three Reasons

The Mexican Maid asked for a pay rise. The wife was very upset about this and decided to talk to her about the raise.

She asked, "Now Maria, why do you want more pay?"

Maria: "Well, Señora, there are tree reasons why I wanna increaze. The first eez that I iron better than you."

Wife: "Who said you iron better than me?"

Maria: "Jor huzban he say so."

Wife: "Oh yeah?"

Maria: "The second reason eez that I am better cook than you."

Wife: "Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?"

Maria: "Jor hozban deed."

Wife increasingly agitated: "Oh he did, did he?"

Maria: "The third reason is that I ama better at sex than you in the bed."

Wife, really boiling now and through gritted teeth asks, "And did my husband say that as well?"

Maria: "No Señora, the gardener did."

Wife: "So how much do you want?"

Monday, April 17, 2017

Coded Message

Last week Putin received a coded message, reportedly from Ukrainian Parliament.

It read: 370HSSV-0773H

Putin was stumped and asked his Prime minister what the message could mean. The minister was totally stumped too, so they passed it to the top russian programmers, who spent 2 days trying to decipher it. Knackered, the programmers sent it to the Secret Police.

The Director of the Police suggested Putin should turn the message upside down...

Tuesday, December 20, 2016

Tenses

Teacher: Today, we're going to talk about the tenses. Now, if I say "I am beautiful", which tense is it?
Student: Obviously it is the past tense.

Friday, May 6, 2016

A Bottle of Wine

A couple of tourists were dining at a fine restaurant in Paris. After waiting for an hour, the husband finally was able to catch the waiter's eye. "I want a bottle of your best wine," he ordered.

"What year?" asked the waiter.

"Right now!" bellowed the tourist.