Tuesday, December 20, 2016


Teacher: Today, we're going to talk about the tenses. Now, if I say "I am beautiful", which tense is it?
Student: Obviously it is the past tense.

Friday, May 6, 2016

A Bottle of Wine

A couple of tourists were dining at a fine restaurant in Paris. After waiting for an hour, the husband finally was able to catch the waiter's eye. "I want a bottle of your best wine," he ordered.

"What year?" asked the waiter.

"Right now!" bellowed the tourist.

Saturday, April 30, 2016


A little guy gets on a plane and sits next to the window. A few minutes later, a big, heavy, strong mean-looking, hulking guy plops down in the seat next to him and immediately falls asleep.

The little guy starts to feel a little airsick, but he's afraid to wake the big guy up to ask if he can go to the bathroom. He knows he can't climb over him, and so the little guy is sitting there, looking at the big guy, trying to decide what to do.

Suddenly, the plane hits an air pocket and an uncontrollable wave of nausea passes through the little guy. He can't hold it in any longer and he pukes all over the big guy's chest.

About five minutes later the big guy wakes up, looks down, and sees the vomit all over him.

"So," says the little guy, "are you feeling better now?"

Friday, April 29, 2016

Ground Sirloin

It's a summer holiday weekend and a man walks into a butcher shop that has a sign in the window saying "Ground Sirloin: 29 cents per pound."

The man says, "I'm having a cookout this weekend. I'd like 5 pounds of your ground sirloin, please."

The butcher shakes his head and says, "Sorry. I'm all out."

The man, disappointed goes down the street to another butcher shop and asks, "How much is your ground sirloin?"

The proprietor replies, "It's $3.29 per pound."

"Three twenty nine!?!" exclaimed the customer. "Just up the street he sells it for 29 cents!"

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Thursday, April 28, 2016

Three Drunks Get into a Taxi

Three drunks get into a taxi and tell the driver where to go. The driver has an idea of the address so he starts the engine, waits a few seconds and turns off the car. He says, "Alright guys we're here!"

The first drunk tips him £10 and gets out.

The second drunk tips him £20 and gets out.

The third drunk then slaps the driver across the face.

Worried that the drunk had realized the car hadn't moved an inch, he asks the drunk, "What was that for?"

The drunk says, "Control your speed next time. You almost killed us!"

Monday, April 25, 2016

Removing One Word

Ever noticed how removing one word in a sentence can lead to a nice story?

Here's an example:

Oh Jack, please don't touch me at all!

Oh Jack, please don't touch me at!

Oh Jack, please don't touch me!

Oh Jack, please don't touch!

Oh Jack, please don't!

Oh Jack, please!

Oh Jack!


Saturday, April 23, 2016

Too Late

As the coffin was being lowered into the ground at a Traffic Warden's funeral, a voice from inside screams: "I'm not dead, I'm not dead. Let me out!"

The Vicar smiles, leans forward sucking air through his teeth and mutters: "Too late pal, I've already done the paperwork."

Wednesday, April 20, 2016


"Hello! Is that a zoo?"

"Yes. What's up?"

"A snake has crawled into my home. I'm so scared and don't know what to do."

"Are you a member of The Animal Protection Association?"

"No, I'm not."

"A member of The Green Party?"


"Then smash it with a spade."