Season Ticket

Sarah was reading a newspaper, while her husband was engrossed in a magazine. Suddenly, she burst out laughing. "Listen to this," she said. "There's a classified ad here where a guy is offering to swap his wife for a season ticket to the stadium."

"Hmmm," her husband said, not looking up from his magazine.

Teasing him, Sarah said, "Would you swap me for a season ticket?"

"Absolutely not," he said.

"How sweet," Sarah said. "Tell me why not."

"Season's more than half over," he said.

Stuck

Wife comes home to find the old man shagging the dog in the front room.

"My God Henry", she screams, "I know you've had other woman but this time you've gone too far!"

"You may be right" he says, "I think I'm stuck."

Beaut Cure for a Headache

Phil was at the bar one night, and complained about having a headache.

"I've got a beaut cure for a headache," said his mate Trev. "Whenever I have a headache I head home and I get my wife to give me a long, slow, wet blowjob. Never fails."

A week went by and they were in the bar again, talking. "Did you try my headache cure," asked Trev. "Yeah said Phil, worked great! Your house is nice, too!"

Three Kinds

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, 'Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?'

The father, surprised, answers, 'Well, son, there are three kinds of Boobs. In her 20's, a woman's are like melons, round and firm. In her 30's to 40's, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions'.

'Onions?'

'Yes, you see them and they make you cry.'

This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, 'Mum, how many kinds of 'willies' are there?'.

The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, 'Well dear, a man goes through three phases. In his 20's, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30's and 40's, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50's, it is like a Christmas Tree.'

'A Christmas tree?'

'Yes - the root's dead and the balls are just for decoration.'

Rooster in Pants

A salesman is talking to a farmer when he looks over and sees a rooster wearing pants, a shirt, and suspenders. He says, "What the hell is that all about?"

The farmer says, "We had a fire in the chicken coop and all his feathers got singed off, so the wife made him some clothes to keep him warm. There ain't nothing funnier than watching him try to hold down a hen with one foot and get his pants down with the other."