Grandma Better

Little Johnny says to his mother "Mommy, I have to go and tinkle."

The mother replies back "Would you like Mommy to take you?"

Little Johnny says "No, let grandma... her hand shakes!"

Still Wrong?

If a man says something in the middle of a forest, and there is no women around to hear him, is he still wrong?

Identified

The police have rounded up some suspects for a identification line up for a rape suspect.

When the lady walks in to pick out the suspect the guy shouts, "That's her! That's her!"

Hunting Skill

Two Polish guys went away on their annual hunting expedition, and by accident one was shot by the other. His worried companion got him out of the deep woods, into the car, and off to the nearest hospital.

"Well, Doc," he inquired anxiously, "Is he going to make it?"
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Brain Pills

A drunk was sitting in a bar looking at three small brown pellets in his hand. The bartender asked what they were, and the drunk replied "They are brain pills...they make you smart."
The bartender says excitedly, "Give me one." He snatches one from the drunks hand, and gulps it quickly down with water. In a few minutes he comes back over to the drunk and says he doesn't feel any smarter.
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Health Tips From Doctor

Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
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Half-sisters

One Sunday morning Joe burst into the living room and said, "Dad, Mom, I have some great news for you! I am getting married to the most beautiful girl in town. She lives a block away and her name is Susan.

After dinner, Joe's dad took him aside, "Son, I have to talk with you.. Your mother and I have been married 30 years. She's a wonderful wife but she has never offered much excitement in the bedroom, so I used to fool around with women a lot. Susan is actually your half-sister, and I'm afraid you can't marry her."
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Choose Ex-teachers

A horny young man went to a brothel... The lady at the counter asked him what his choice would be. The man wanted to know what was available.

Madam, "On the first floor, we have the ex-models... they are all slinky and sexy... On the second floor, we have our ex-actresses... they are all buxom and beautiful... On the third floor, we have our ex-teachers.... they..."
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Two Missionaries in Africa

Two missionaries in Africa get apprehended by a tribe of very hostile cannibals who put them in a large pot of water, build a huge fire under it, and leave them there.
A few minutes later, one of the missionaries starts to laugh uncontrollably. The other missionary can't believe it! He says, "What's wrong with you? We're being boiled alive! They're gonna eat us! What could possibly be funny at a time like this?"
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How Much Does It Cost to Get Married?

A little boy asked his father: "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"

And the father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."

Don't Question God

Don't question God, as he may say, if you are so eager for answers, then please come up.

Normal Procedure

A young, freshly minted lieutenant was sent to Bosnia as part of the peace keeping mission. During a briefing on land mines, the captain asked for questions.

Our intrepid solder raised his hand and asked, "If we do happen to step on a mine, Sir, what do we do?"
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Why Don't Witches Wear Panties?

Why don't witches wear panties?

So they can get a better grip on the broom.

Just Don't Shoot!

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Sexual Education

A sweet little girl runs out to the backyard where her father is working, and asks him, "Daddy, what's sex?"
So, her father sits her down, and tells her all about the birds and the bees. He tells her about conception, sexual intercourse, sperm and eggs etc. He tells her about puberty, menstruation, men and women and love...
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Difference Between Rotwieler and Poodle

What's the difference between a rotwieler and a poodle?

If a rotwieler starts humping your leg you let it finish.

Good Shot

Little Harry walks in the bathroom and sees his mum with no clothes on, standing in front of him, he looks up at her private parts he asks "What's that mum?"

His mum frozen tried to think what to say, finally she came up with the following, "That's where your dad accidentially hit me with an axe!" and little Harry replies,
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Is There a Doctor in the House?

A strained voice called out through the darkened theater, "Please, is there a doctor in the house?!"

Several men stood up as the lights came on.
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