Mad Cow Disease

Two cows are standing in a field. One says to the other "Are you worried about mad cow disease?"

The other one says "No, it doesn't worry me, I'm a horse!"
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Mississippi

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves, and engage in animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but she listens in horror as one of the men says the following: "Emma come first. Den I come. Two asses, dey come together. I come again. Two asses, dey come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come once-a more."
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Dead Dog

Mom and Dad were trying to console Susie, whose dog had recently died.

"You know," Mom said, "it's not your fault that the dog died. He's probably up in heaven right now, having a grand old time with God."
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Lesson on Good Manners

A teacher was giving her class of small children a lesson on good manners.
"Suppose, by mistake, you step on a lady's foot. What do you do?"

"I say 'excuse me'."

"Very good. Now suppose the lady, to reward you, gives you a coin. What do you do?"
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Monster in the Wardrobe

A man returned home earlier than usual. His son met him, very upset, and crying, "Daddy, there's a monster in your bedroom."

"There's a what?"

"A monster. And he's hidden in mummy's wardrobe."

So the man went upstairs, found his wife in bed and opened the wardrobe door. Inside, his oldest friend tried vainly to hide himself behind a rack of dresses.
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Traffic Police Stops a Car

Traffic police stops a car.

Policeman: Have you drunk vodka today?

Driver: No.
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Something Minor

At a college with a shady reputation, the new dean responded to investigations into the basketball team by suspending any basketball player who wasn't maintaining a passing average. Furious, the coach came storming into the dean's office, followed by one of his star players.

"You can't keep him from playing!" the coach roared. "We won't win this weekend without him!"

"I don't care," the dean said. "Things have gotten out of hand at this college."

"What do you mean, out of hand?" the coach demanded.

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The Difference Between an Orchestra and a Bull

What's the difference between an orchestra and a bull?

The bull has the horns in front and the asshole in the back.