Two Prostitutes

Two prostitutes, after Christmas holidays:

- What did you ask Santa Claus to give you?

- Hundred dollars, as usual.

Short Christmas Jokes

What did Adam say on the day before Christmas?
It's Christmas, Eve!

How do you make an idiot laugh on boxing day?
Tell him a joke on Christmas Eve!

What do you have in December that you don't have in any other month?
The letter "D"!

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Short Snow Jokes

What happened when the snowgirl fell out with the snowboy?
She gave him the cold shoulder!

What do snowmen wear on their heads?
Ice caps!

What's an ig?
An eskimo's home without a loo!
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Short Reindeer Jokes

What do reindeer say before telling you a joke?
This one will sleigh you!

Why is a reindeer like a gossip?
Because they are both tail bearers!

Why do reindeer wear fur coats?
Because they would look silly in plastic macs!
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Comfortable

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock. Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister,

"When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home."
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Dating Susan

The mother of a 17 year old girl was concerned that her daughter was having sex. Worried the girl might become pregnant she consulted the family doctor.

The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful, and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control, talk to her and give her a box of condoms.
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Ten Signs You're not Getting a Christmas Bonus

Ten signs you're not getting a Christmas bonus

1. Co-workers refer to you as "the ghost of unemployment future"
2. The last time you saw your boss was when he testified against you at the embezzlement trial
3. On your door, you find a lovely wreath of pink slips
4. What you call "my new office," everybody else calls "the supply closet"

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Ten Things to Say about Gifts You Don't Like

1. Boy, if I had not recently shot up four sizes, that would've fit.
2. It would be a shame if the garbage man ever accidentally took this from me.
3. Perfect for wearing in the basement.
4. Well, well, well...
5. I really don't deserve this.
6. Gosh, I hope this never catches fire!

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Signs You're Sick of the Holidays

Signs You're Sick of the Holidays.

1. You've got red and green bags under your eyes.
2. You're serving reindeer pot pie.
3. When you hear, "Sleigh bells ring, are you listenin'?," you scream, "No! I'm not listening!"
4. You climb on your roof and start shooting carolers with your air gun.
5. You think you hear your Christmas tree taunting you.

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Santa's Presents

On Christmas morning a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light, and next to him is a kid on his shiny new bike.

The cop says to the kid, "Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"

The kid says, "Yeah."

The cop says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put a tail-light on that bike."

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Christmas Shopping

It was Christmas and the judge was in a merry mood as he asked the prisoner, "What are you charged with?"

"Doing my Christmas shopping early", replied the defendant.

"That's no offense", said the judge. "How early were you doing this shopping?"
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Billy Gates Writes to Santa Claus

Dear Santa,

How are you doing? I hope you've had a successful year and have come up with a lot of interesting toys. It's really neat how you're able to do that year after year. I guess that's how you stay number one in the Christmas presents business.

Actually, I admire the way you run Christmas. You really have a handle on it. You find out what people want (with letters like this and having kids tell you in person), and then you make the presents and control how they are delivered. It's an impressive operation.
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Christmas Gifts

December 14, 2003
Dearest Dave,
I went to the door today, and the postman delivered a partridge in a pear tree. This was a delightful gift! I couldn't have been more surprised or pleased darling!
With truly the deepest love,
Agnes

---

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Christmas Letters

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 1
RE: Annual Office Christmas Party
I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols. Feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus!
A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00 p.m. Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time, however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets. This gathering is only for employees! A special announcement will be made by our CEO at that time! Merry Christmas to you and your family.
Patty

---

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Irreversible Operation

A guy walks into a doctor's office and stutters, "Da-da-doc, I've ba-ba-been sta-sta-stuttering for ye-ye-years, and I ca-ca-can't stand it anymo-mo-more! Can you he-he-help me?"

The doctor answers "Well, I'll have to give you a thorough examination first, but in some cases there is a cure."

So the doctor puts the guy through a battery of tests, and says, "I think I know what's causing your stuttering."
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John The Baptist

A man who thought he was John the Baptist was disturbing the neighbourhood, so for public safety, he was committed.

He was put in a room with another crazy, and immediately began his routine, "I am John The Baptist! Jesus Christ has sent me!"
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Talented Pussy

A man is sitting on a train across from a busty blonde wearing a tiny mini skirt. Despite his efforts, he is unable to stop staring at the top of the females thighs. To his delight, he realises she has gone without underwear.

The blonde realises he is staring and enquires, "Are you looking at my pussy?"

"Yes, I'm sorry" replies the man and promises to avert his eyes.
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Bic Lighter

A guy walks into a bar, sits down next to another guy and immediately notices the guy has a very large Bic cigarette lighter.

The first guy says "Wow, cool lighter... where did you get it?"

"A genie from a bottle granted me one wish."
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What Are You Going to Do?

Little Johnny walked into his dad's bedroom one day and found him sitting on the side of his bed sliding a condom onto his dick. In an attempt to hide his full erection, Johnny's father bent over as if to look under the bed.

Little Johnny asked curiously, "What ya doin', Dad?"

His father quickly replied, "I thought I saw a rat go underneath the bed."

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Pink Dildo

A little old lady, well into her eighties, slowly enters the front door of an erotic sex shop. Obviously very unstable on her feet, she shakily hobbles the few feet across the store to the counter.

Finally arriving at the counter and grabbing it for support, she asks the sales clerk: "Ddddooo youuuu hhhave ddddildosss?"

The clerk, politely trying not to burst out laughing, replies: "Yes we do have dildos. Actually we carry many models."
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Packs of Condoms

A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year-old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad?"

The man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex."
"Oh I see," replied the boys pensively. "Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school."
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Somewhat Tight Present

Lady to the doctor over the phone, "Doctor, I beg of you, please prescribe me something immediately to reduce my weight. My husband has given me a wonderful birthday present, and I can’t get into it."

Doctor: "Just come over here tomorrow, and I shall give you a prescription. Then you will soon be able to wear your wonderful new dress."
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Lie Detector Mirror

There is a very special mirror. If you stand in front of this mirror and tell the truth, you are granted a wish. However, if you tell a lie, POOF! you are instantly swallowed up by the mirror, never to be seen again.

A redhead of questionable looks stands before the mirror and says, "I think I’m the most beautiful woman in the world." POOF! The mirror swallows her.
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Or What?

A man comes to his doctor and tells him that his wife doesn't want to have sex with him for the last 7 months. The doc tells the man to bring his wife in so he can talk to her. So the wife comes into the doctors office and the doctor asks her what's wrong and why doesn't she want to have sex with her husband any more.
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Delicate Problem

A man walks into a doctor's office and says, "I have a problem with my dick!"

The lady at the counter says, "Sir, we do not say words like that at the doctors office! Now leave and come back and replace "Dick" with some other body part like "Ear."

The man does as he's told and comes back in and says, "I have a problem with my ear."
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Magic Glasses

Patient: Doc, will I be able to read with these glasses?

Doc: You sure will.

Patient: That's great! I never could read before.

Overweight Blonde

An overweight blonde consulted her doctor for advice.

The doctor advised that she run 10 miles a day for 30 days. This, he promised, would help her lose as much as twenty pounds.

The blonde follows the doctor`s advice and after thirty days, she was pleased to find that she`d indeed lost twenty pounds.
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Unwary Wish

A gay couple had been partnered for 25 years and was celebrating the 60th birthday of one of them. During the party, a fairy appeared and said that because they had been such a loving couple all those years, she would give them one wish each.

The one who was giving the party said, "We`ve blown all our money on parties and fine dining and decorating this house, I`ve never gotten to see the world. I wish we could travel all over the world."
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Telepathic Watch

A rather confident man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks, 'Is your date running late?'

'No', he replies, 'I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it.'
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Argument for Custody

The scene was a tiny mountain village in a remote section of West Virginia. An old mountaineer and his young wife were getting a divorce in the local court.

But custody of the children was a problem.

The mother jumped to her feet and protested to the judge that, since she had brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them.
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Sex in Marriage

To My Dearest Wife,

During the past year, I have attempted to make love to you 365 times. I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of only once every 10 days. The following is a list of why I didn't succeed more often:

• We will wake the kids - 54 times
• It's too late - 15 times

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Perfectly Frank Talk

A few days after Christmas, my six year son and I were talking. He asked, "Mom, is there a Santa Claus?"

"Well, what do you think?" I asked him.

He replied, "Well, my Playstation that I got and my gift from Santa were wrapped in the same kind of wrapping paper."
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Who's the Fourth Person?

Terri asked her Sunday School class to draw pictures of their favorite Bible stories. She was puzzled by Kyle's picture, which showed four people on an airplane, so she asked him which story it was meant to represent.

"The flight to Egypt," said Kyle.

"I see. And that must be Mary, Joseph, and Baby Jesus," Ms. Terri said. "But who's the fourth person?"
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Funny Christmas Pun

A Russian couple are walking when it begins to precipitate. The man, Rudolph tells his wife it is raining but she insists that it is snowing.

Again and again she says that it is snowing but again and again he says that it is raining.
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New Perspective on the Christmas Story

A little boy returned from Sunday School with a new perspective on the Christmas story. He had learned all about the Wise Men from the East who brought gifts to the Baby Jesus. He was so excited he just had to tell his parents: "I learned in Sunday School today all about the very first Christmas! There wasn't a Santa Claus way back then, so these three skinny guys on camels had to deliver all the toys!"
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Stamps for Christmas Cards

A woman went to the Post Office to buy stamps for her Christmas Cards. "What denomination?" asked the clerk.

"Oh, good heavens! Have we come to this?" said the woman. "Well, give me 30 Catholic, 10 Baptist ones, 20 Lutheran, and 40 Presbyterian."

Letter To Tech Support

Dear Tech Support:
Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure.
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Smart Japanese

Why are the Japanese so smart?

They don’t have any blondes.

Why SAT Scores Decline

As we all know SAT scores have been on the decline for years. The following may be the reason why.

A math problem in the 60's
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is four-fifths of this price. What is his profit?

A math problem in the 70's
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of porduction is four-fifths of this price, or $80. What is his profit?
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The Secret of Long Marriage

Some people ask the secret of Anthony’s long marriage. They take time to go to a restaurant two times a week: a little candlelight dinner, soft music, and a slow walk home. The Mrs. goes Tuesdays; He goes Fridays.

Support Group

To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a support Group

Slow Driving Habits

A man and a woman were dating. She being of a religious nature had held back the worldly pleasure that he wanted from her so bad. In fact, he had never even seen her naked.

One day, as they drove down the freeway, she remarked about his slow driving habits. "I can't stand it anymore," she told him. "Let's play a game. For every 5 miles per hour over the speed limit you drive, I'll remove one piece of clothing.
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Dreams

A wife woke up from her night's sleep and began recounting her dream to her husband.

"I dreamt they were auctioning off dicks in this place, "she began, "the big ones went for a tenner and the thick ones went for 20."

"How about the ones like mine?" asked her husband.
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The Former Boyfriend's Revenge

Two high school sweethearts who went out together for four years in high school were both virgins; they enjoyed losing their virginity with each other in 10th grade. When they graduated, they wanted to both go to the same college but the girl was accepted to a college on the east coast, and the guy went to the west coast. They agreed to be faithful to each other and spend anytime they could together.
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10 Top Things to Avoid on Your Anniversary

1. Today is our what?
2. I thought we only celebrated important events?
3. I stopped caring about anniversaries when you stopped caring about cooking.
4. Okay, let's celebrate, but do we have to celebrate together?
5. You can celebrate anniversaries with your next husband.
6. You don't like what I pick out, so I thought why bother.

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The 3 Stages of a Man

1. He believes in Santa Claus.
2. He doesn't believe in Santa Claus.
3. He is Santa Claus.

Baked Beans

Once upon a time there lived a woman who had a maddening passion for baked beans. She loved them but unfortunately they had always had a very embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction to her. Then one day she met a guy and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry she thought to herself, "He is so sweet and gentlemanly, he would never go for this carrying on."

So she made the supreme sacrifice, and gave up the beans.
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The Newly Weds

A young couple decided to wed. As the big day approached, they grew apprehensive. Each had a problem they had never before shared with anyone, not even each other.

The Groom-to-be, overcoming his fear, decided to ask his father for advice.

"Father," he said, "I am deeply concerned about the success of my marriage. I love my fiancee, very much, but you see, I have very smelly feet, and I'm afraid that my future wife will be put off by them."
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Turpentine or Holy Water?

Little Johnny was sitting one day on a dock. Along came a preacher and sat down beside him. Little Johnny had a mason jar full of what looked like water and he was turning it over and over, watching the bubbles float through it.

The Preacher asked, "What are you doing with that water?"

Little Johnny studied the contents of the jar for a moment, then explained, "Preacher, this here is turpentine. It's the strongest liquid in the world."

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Definite Proof

Teacher: You copies from Fred's exam paper didn't you?

Pupil: How did you know?
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The Answers to Teacher's Questions

Teacher: Why can't you ever answer any of my questions?

Pupil: Well if I could there wouldn't be much point in me being here!

Count On Boss

Smith goes to see his supervisor in the front office.

"Boss," he says, "we're doing some heavy house-cleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff."

"We're short-handed, Smith" the boss replies. "I can't give you the day off."
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Son-in-law's Business

A very successful businessman had a meeting with his new son-in-law.

"I love my daughter, and now I welcome you into the family," said the man. "To show you how much we care for you, I'm making you a 50-50 partner in my business. All you have to do is go to the factory every day and learn the operations."
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Business Partners

Weill and Mahoney had started with only five hundred dollars between them, but they had built up a computer business with sales in the millions. Their company employed over two hundred people, and the two executives lived like princes.

Almost overnight, things changed. Sales dropped sharply, former customers disappeared, and the business failed. Weill and Mahoney blamed each other for the troubles, and they parted on unfriendly terms.
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All About Bill

"Perfect timing," the cabby said. "You’re just like Bill."

"Who?"

"Bill Smith. There’s a guy who did everything right," the cabby said. "Like my coming along when you needed a cab. It would have happened like that to Bill every time."
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Looking For Jesus

A man is stumbling through the woods totally drunk when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river. He proceeds to walk into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher.

The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon he asks the drunk, "Are you ready to find Jesus?"

The drunk answers, "Yes, I am."
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Def Men in a Bar

A man was sitting in a bar and noticed a group of people using sign language. He also noticed that the bartender was using sign language to speak to them. When the bartender returned to him, the man asked how he had learned to use sign language. The bartender explained that these were regular customers and had taught him to speak in sign.
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Business Plan For a Mexican Fisherman

American businessman was at a pier in a small coastal Mexican village when a small boat with just one fisherman docked. Inside the small boat were several large yellow-fin tuna. The American complimented the Mexican on the quality of his fish and asked how long it took to catch them.

The Mexican replied, "only a little while."

The American then asked why didn't he stay out longer and catch more fish?
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Humor in the Office

Boss: "I've decided to use humor in the office. Experts say humor eases tension, which is important in times when the work force is being trimmed.

"Knock knock."

Employee: "Who's there?"
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Walking Economy

This guy is walking with his friend. He says to this friend, "I'm a walking economy."

The friend replies "How so?"

"My hair line is in recession, my stomach is a victim of inflation, and both of these together are putting me into a deep depression!"

Fishing Secret

It was a cold winter day. An old man walked out onto a frozen lake, cut a hole in the ice, dropped in his fishing line, and waited patiently for a bite.

He was there for almost an hour, without even a nibble, when a young boy walked out onto the ice, cut a hole in the ice next to him. The young boy dropped his fishing line and minutes later he hooked a Largemouth Bass. The old man couldn't believe his eyes but chalked it up to plain luck. But, shortly thereafter, the young boy pulled in another large catch. The young boy kept catching fish after fish.
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Lucky Fisherman

The little kid sat on the side of the road with a fishing line down the drain. Feeling sorry for him, and wanting to humor him, a lady gave him 50 cents, and kindly asked "How many have you caught?"

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No Reason to Laugh

The boss returned from lunch in a good mood and called the whole staff in to listen to a couple of jokes he had picked up. Everybody, but one girl laughed uproariously.

"What's the matter?" grumbled the boss. "Haven't you got a sense of humor?"
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The Very First Job

A young man, hired by a supermarket, reported for his first day of work. The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom and said, "your first job will be to sweep out the store."

"But I'm a college graduate," the young man replied indignantly.
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Honest Lawyer

An investment counselor decided to go out on her own. She was shrewd and diligent, so business kept coming in, and pretty soon she realized that she needed an in-house counsel. The investment banker began to interview young lawyers.

"As I'm sure you can understand," she started off with one of the first applicants, "in a business like this, our personal integrity must be beyond question." She leaned forward. "Mr. Mayberry, are you an honest lawyer?"
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Tried and Trusted?

A wealthy investor walked into a bank and said to the bank manager, "I would like to speak with Mr. Reginald Jones, who I understand is a tried and trusted employee of yours."

The banker said, "Yes he certainly was trusted. And he will be tried as soon as we catch him."

Dear Baby Jesus

A mafioso's son sits at his desk writing a Christmas list to Jesus. He first writes, "Dear baby Jesus, I have been a good boy the whole year, so I want a new..." He looks at it, then crumples it up into a ball and throws it away.

He gets out a new piece of paper and writes again, "Dear baby Jesus, I have been a good boy for most of the year, so I want a new..." He again looks at it with disgust and throws it away.
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Gift For...

It was the day after Christmas at a church in San Francisco. The pastor of the church was looking over the cradle when he noticed that the baby Jesus was missing from among the figures. Immediately he turned and went outside and saw a little boy with a red wagon, and in the wagon was the figure of the little infant, Jesus.

So he walked up to the boy and said, "Well, where did you get Him, my fine friend?"
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Did Santa Ever Deliver Presents on Christmas Eve

Let's do some calculations:

• There are 2 billion children (persons under 18) in the world. But since Santa doesn't appear to handle the Muslim, Hindu, Jewish and Buddhist children, that reduces the workload to 15% of the total - 378 million according to Population Reference Bureau. At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that's 91.8 million homes. One presumes there's at least one good child in each.

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Flight Check for Santa Claus

Santa Claus, like all pilots, gets regular visits from the Federal Aviation Administration, and the FAA examiner arrived last week for the pre-Christmas flight check.

In preparation, Santa had the elves wash the sled and bathe all the reindeer. Santa got his logbook out and made sure all his paperwork was in order. He knew they would examine all his equipment and truly put Santa's flying skills to the test. The examiner walked slowly around the sled. He checked the reindeer harnesses, the landing gear, and even Rudolph's nose. He painstakingly reviewed Santa's weight and balance calculations for sled's enormous payload. Finally, they were ready for the check ride. Santa got in and fastened his seat belt and shoulder harness and checked the compass. Then the examiner hopped in carrying, to Santa's surprise, a shotgun.
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Flying Reindeer Species

No known species of reindeer can fly. But there are 300,000 species of living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are insects and germs, this does not completely rule out flying reindeer which only Santa has ever seen.