Vasectomy

One day, after a man had his annual physical, the doctor came out and said, "You had a great checkup. Is there anything that you'd like to talk about or ask me?"

"Well," he said, "I was thinking about getting a vasectomy."

"That's a pretty big decision. Have you talked it over with your family?"

"Yeah, and they're in favor 15 to 2."

Bad News

A doctor goes to his office one Monday and is shocked to find that it has been ransacked and the files have all been mixed up. He sees the file for Mrs. Smith, but her chart is mixed up with some of the others and he can't tell which is which.

He finally narrows it down to two charts and he decides to call her house. Mr.Smith answers the phone.

"Mr. Smith, this is Dr. Jenkins. I have bad news. Your wife either has HIV or Alzheimer's Disease, I don't know which.

"Well, what should I do?" asks a distraught Mr. Smith.

"Drop her off at the edge of town," says the doctor, "and if she finds her way back, don't fuck her!"

Hard of Hearing

An old man is in the surgery, and he asks the doctor if there was any way he could find out if his wife was hard of hearing.

The doctor replied, "If she won't come in for a hearing test, you could try talking to her when you get home. If you get no response, then move a little closer and repeat what you've said. If she doesn't hear you at first, you can gauge just how deaf she is by how close you get, until she does hear."

Armed with this information, he sets off home. Opening the front door he notices his wife in the kitchen down the passageway, with her back to the door. Closing the door quietly, he says to his wife, "Hi honey, I'm home, what's for dinner?"

He gets no response, so he moves a little closer and says again, "Hi honey, I'm home, what's for dinner?"

Still no response; so he enters the kitchen,and says, "Hi honey, I'm home, what's for dinner?"

Again she doesn't respond, so he walks up to her touches her arm and says, "Hi honey, I'm home, what's for dinner?"

With that she reels around and shouts at him, "Bangers and mash, for the fourth f..king time, you deaf bastard!"

Viagra Rules OK

This elderly lady went to the doctor for a checkup. Everything checked out fine. The old lady pulled the doctor to the side and said, "Doctor, I haven't had sex for years now, and I was wondering how I can increase my husband's sex drive."

The doctor smiled and said, "Have you tried to give him Viagra?"

The lady frowned. "Doctor, I can't even get him to take aspirin when he has a headache," she claimed.

"Well," the doctor continued, "let me suggest something. Crush the Viagra into a powder. When you are giving him coffee, stir it into the coffee and serve it. He won't notice a thing."

The old lady was delighted. She left the doctor's office quickly.

Weeks later the old lady returned. She was frowning and the doctor asked her what was wrong. She shook her head.

"How did it go?" the doctor asked.

"Terribly, doctor, terribly."

"Did it not work?"

"Yes," the old lady said, "It worked. I did as you said and he got up and ripped his clothes off right then and there and we made mad love on the table. It was the best sex that I'd had in 25 years."

"Then what is the problem, ma'am?"

"Well," she said. "I can't ever show my face in McDonald's again."

The Supernatural?

There was a case in one hospital's Intensive Care ward where patients always died in the same bed, on Sunday morning, at about 11 a.m., regardless of their medical condition. This puzzled the doctors and some even thought that it had something to do with the supernatural. No one could solve the mystery as to why the deaths occurred around 11 a.m. on Sundays. So a World-Wide team of experts was assembled to investigate the cause of the incidents.

The next Sunday morning, a few minutes before 11 a.m., all doctors and nurses nervously wait outside the ward to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about. Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer books and other holy objects to ward off the evil spirits. Just when the clock struck 11... Pookie Johnson, the part-time Sunday sweeper, entered the ward and unplugged the life support system so that he could use the vacuum cleaner.

Total Recall

An 80 year old couple were having problems remembering things, so they decided to go to their doctor to get checked out to make sure nothing was wrong with them. When they arrived at the doctor's, they explained to the doctor about the problems they were having with their memory. After checking the couple out, the doctor tells them that they were physically okay but might want to start writing things down and make notes to help them remember things. The couple thanked the doctor and left.

Later that night while watching TV, the old man got up from his chair and his wife asks, "Where are you going?"

He replies, "To the kitchen."

She asks, "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"

He replies, "Sure."

She then asks him, "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?"

He says, "No, I can remember that."

She then says, "Well I also would like some strawberries on top. You had better write that down cause I know you'll forget that."

He says, "I can remember that, you want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."

She replies, "Well I also would like whipped cream on top. I know you will forget that so you better write it down."

With irritation in his voice, he says, "I don't need to write that down I can remember that." He then fumes into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes he returns from the kitchen and hands her a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment and says, "You forgot my toast."

Surgeons Talk

Four surgeons were taking a coffee break and were discussing their work. The first said, "I think accountants are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything inside is numbered."

The second said, "I think librarians are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything inside is in alphabetical order."

The third said, "I like to operate on electricians. You open them up and everything inside is color-coded."

The fourth one said, "I like to operate on lawyers. They're heartless, spineless, gutless, and their heads and their ass are interchangeable."

Healing the Sick

This elderly couple is watching one of those television preachers on TV one night. The preacher faces the camera, and announces, "My friends, I'd like to share my healing powers with everyone watching this program. Place one hand on top of your TV and the other hand on the part of your body which ails you and I will heal you."

The old woman has been having terrible stomach problems, so she places one hand on the television, and her other hand on her stomach.

Meanwhile, her husband approaches the television, placing one hand on top of the TV and his other hand on his groin. With a frown his wife says, "Ernest, he's talking about healing the sick, not raising the dead."

The Discharge

Mrs. Cohn went to see her doctor. When he inquired about her complaint she replied that she suffered from a discharge.

The Doctor said, "Get undressed, Mrs. Cohn, and lie down on the examining table."

She did, whereupon the doctor put on rubber gloves and began to massage her private parts.

After a couple of minutes he asked, "How does that feel?"

"Wonderful," she replied, "but the discharge is from my ear!"

The Explanation Was Quite Simple

An Irish surgeon who had couched a cataract and restored the sight of a poor woman in Dublin, observed in her case what he deemed a phenomenon in optics; on which he called together his professional brethren, declaring himself unequal to the solution.

He stated to them that the sight of his patient was so perfectly restored, that she could see to thread the smallest needle, or to perform any other operation, which required particular accuracy of vision; but that when he presented her with a book, she was not capable of distinguishing one letter from another!

This very singular case excited the ingenuity of all the gentlemen present, and various solutions were offered, but none could command the general assent.

Doubt crowded on doubt, and the problem grew darker from every explanation, when at length, by a question put by the servant who attended, it was discovered that the woman never learned to read!

Funny Injuries

Four people were injured in a string of bizarre accidents. Sherry Moeller was admitted with a head wound caused by flying masonry, Tim Vegas was diagnosed with a mild case of whiplash and contusions on his chest, arms and face, Bryan Corcoran suffered torn gum tissue, and Pamela Klesick's first two fingers of her right hand had been bitten off.

Moeller had just dropped her husband off for his first day of work and, in addition to a good-bye kiss, she flashed her breasts at him "I'm still not sure why I did it," she said later. "I was really close to the car, so I didn't think anyone would see. Besides, it couldn't have been for more than two seconds." However, cab driver Vegas did see and lost control of his cab, running over the curb and into the corner of the Johnson Medical Building. Inside, Klesick, a dental technician, was cleaning Corcoran's teeth. The crash of the cab against the building making her jump, tearing Corcoran's gums with a cleaning pick. In shock, he bit down, severing two fingers from Klesick's hand. Moeller's wound was caused by a falling piece of the medical building.

Please Try to Phone Later...

Attorney Antonio Mendoza was released from a trauma center after having a cell phone removed from his rectum. "My dog drags the thing all over the house," he said later. "He must have dragged it into the shower. I slipped on the tile, tripped against the dog and sat down right on the thing."

The extraction took more than three hours due to the fact that the cover to Mr. Mendoza's phone had opened during insertion.

"He was a real trooper during the entire episode," said Dr. Dennis Crobe. "Tony just cracked jokes and really seemed to be enjoying himself. Three times during the extraction his phone rang and each time, he made jokes about it that just had us rolling on the floor. By the time we finished, we really did expect to find an answering machine in there."

The Rorschach Test

A man goes to a psychiatrist. To start things off, the psychiatrist suggests they start with a Rorschach test. He holds up the first picture and asks the man what he sees.

"A man and a woman making love in a park," the man replies.

The psychiatrist holds up the second picture and asks the man what he sees. "A man and a woman making love in a boat."

He holds up the third picture. "A man and a woman making love at the beach." This goes on for the rest of the set of pictures; the man says he sees a man and a woman making love in every one of the pictures.

At the end of the test, the psychiatrist looks over his notes and says, "It looks like you have a preoccupation with sex."

And the man replies, "Well, you're the one with the dirty pictures."

Delicate Prescription

Two good friends are out driving on Route 66 and one guy has to take a leak. Being in the middle of nowhere they pull over by some shrubbery and the guy goes to relieve himself. Suddenly, he screams "Aaagh! a rattler bit my cock!"

"Relax!" says his friend, "I'll go find a pay phone and call a doctor." So his friend drives off and finds a pay phone, call a doctor and asks what he should do.

"Well," said the doc," you must cut crosses in the wound and suck out the poison."

"Is that the only way Doc?" asked the man.

"Yes, you must do that or he'll die."

He finally gets back to friend and his friend asked "So, what did the doctor say?"

"You're gonna die, buddy. You're gonna die."

Exhausted All the Time

A woman goes to her doctor complaining that she is exhausted all the time. After the diagnostic tests showed nothing, the doctor gets around to asking her how often she has intercourse.

"Every Monday, Wednesday, and Saturday," she says.

The doctor advises her to cut out Wednesday.

"I can't," says the woman. "That's the only night I'm home with my husband."

The Patch

During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed his doctor that he was having trouble with one of his medications.

"Which one?", asked the doctor.

"The patch. The nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!"

The doctor had him quickly undress and discovered what he hoped he wouldn't see... Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.

Swallowed Razor Blade

"Doctor, please hurry. My son swallowed a razor blade."

"Don't panic, I'm coming immediately. Have you done anything yet?"

"Yes, I shaved with the electric razor."

Help Me, Doc. I'm Shaking

"Doctor, Doctor, You've got to help me - I just can't stop my hands shaking!"

"Do you drink a lot?"

"Not really - I spill most of it!"

My Wife Is Pregnant, Doc

A man speaks frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"

"Is this her first child?" the doctor queries.

"No, you idiot!" the man shouts. "This is her husband!"

It Is not Worth the Trouble, Doc

The surgeon told his patient that woke up after having been operated:

"I'm afraid we're going to have to operate you again. Because, you see, I forgot my rubber gloves inside you."

"Well, if it's just because of them, I'd rather pay for them if you just leave me alone."