Mad Cow Disease

Two cows are standing in a field.

One says to the other "Are you worried about mad cow disease?"

The other one says "No, it doesn't worry me, I'm a horse!"

How to Make a Horse Work

Wake Up!

Holiday Shopping Spree

Mississippi

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves, and engage in animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but she listens in horror as one of the men says the following: "Emma come first. Den I come. Two asses, dey come together. I come again. Two asses, dey come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come once-a more."

"You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"

"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Imma just tellun my friend howa ta spella Mississippi."

Experimental Psychology

The Last Glass of Whiskey

Sex on a Rocking Chair

Holyday Travel Deal

Dead Dog

Mom and Dad were trying to console Susie, whose dog had recently died.

"You know," Mom said, "it's not your fault that the dog died. He's probably up in heaven right now, having a grand old time with God."

Susie, still crying, said, "What would God want with a dead dog?"

Do People Really Come from Dust?

The Forced Delay

The Teacher's Future

Party's Surprise

Lesson on Good Manners

A teacher was giving her class of small children a lesson on good manners.

"Suppose, by mistake, you step on a lady's foot. What do you do?"

"I say 'excuse me'."

"Very good. Now suppose the lady, to reward you, gives you a coin. What do you do?"

"Step on the other foot to get a second one."

Monster in the Wardrobe

A man returned home earlier than usual. His son met him, very upset, and crying, "Daddy, there's a monster in your bedroom."

"There's a what?"

"A monster. And he's hidden in mummy's wardrobe."

So the man went upstairs, found his wife in bed and opened the wardrobe door. Inside, his oldest friend tried vainly to hide himself behind a rack of dresses.

"Twenty years, you've been my friend," bellowed the husband, pulling his former friend out by the hair, "And the best thing you can find to do is frighten my little boy."

Traffic Police Stops a Car...

Traffic police stops a car.

Policeman: Have you drunk vodka today?

Driver: No.

Policeman: Breathe into the tube... Well, no alcohol is detected... Maybe the tube is broken… (breathes into the tube himself) No, it's working!

Something Minor

At a college with a shady reputation, the new dean responded to investigations into the basketball team by suspending any basketball player who wasn't maintaining a passing average. Furious, the coach came storming into the dean's office, followed by one of his star players.

"You can't keep him from playing!" the coach roared. "We won't win this weekend without him!"

"I don't care," the dean said. "Things have gotten out of hand at this college."

"What do you mean, out of hand?" the coach demanded.

"I'll show you what I mean," the dean said. He turned to the basketball player and said, "Tell me,how much is six times seven?"

The player thought for several seconds. Then he said, "Thirty-one?"

The dean turned to the coach and said, "I rest my case."

"Oh, come on now," the coach said. "Why are you making such a big deal of it? After all, he only missed it by one."

The Difference Between an Orchestra and a Bull

What's the difference between an orchestra and a bull?

The bull has the horns in front and the asshole in the back.